View To Catch A Predator
57:46 – General mention, boner rage. Seth: “One dude took a bus 4 hours and walked 3 miles from the bus stop. He comes into the house, hears the voice of the faux 13-year-old boy. He begins visibly sweating and shaking and taking his boner out and chasing it, until the man with the mock turtleneck’s like Whoa, whoa whoa. Slow down.” Jonathan admits he hasn’t seen it yet
48:28 – Seth: “To Catch a Preedator.” (first recap – not televised by Dateline) … Perverted Justice nabs 13 guys including an off-duty California Highway Patrol lieutenant. Seth: “These guys come in sweating, shaking, boner in hand and running and chasing these kids down. Not good? Or awesome.” (53:12)
48:23 - Jonathan: “I guarantee you that Perverted Justice has blown more kids than any of those dudes they’ve busted.” Seth does his impression of the decoy who looks like Jack Osborne: Give me a second, I spilled Diet Coke on my shorts. … Are those condoms, and Bartles & James?
8:17 – To Catch A Predator 4 is coming up. Jonathan quoting a peed: “I’ve never done this before. No seriously this is the first time ever … It’s lemonade, apple pie and rubbers, but it doesn’t matter. She just told me to bring them.”
15:47 – Jah: “It’s tbsa.libsyn.com.” Seth: “It’s also TCAP 5, which will be on in like a month.”
1:29 – TCAP 4 recap. Jah: It’s Predator Nation.” Seth: “Oh my bad, my zipper fell down. It’s a zipper! It can’t fall! Hey I just came here to party. And by party you mean have sex with a 12-year-old girl?!” (3:48) …. Jah: “If you took every single potential sexual predator they busted in this show and took the man hours they spent chatting in their entire life, it wouldn’t equate to a week of the time that Perverted Justice spends on those fucking websites chatting and looking for those sexual prejudice. Perverted Justice is exactly right – it is perverted. And I like it.” (5:58)
9:30 – Of 9,300, they busted 1,100 dudes … 12-year-old girl sounds exactly like a 12-year-old dude. Jah: “If I was on my way to have sex with a 13-year-old girl and I saw a 15-year-old boy snowboarder waving me in, I’d be pissed.”
2:40 – Jonathan forgets to watch TCAP, as well as the America’s Most Wanted spinoff. Guy says his pants are “fucked up.” Next week they’re headed to Florida, and Chris Hansen says “It’s almost like we’ve entered a cyber predator twilight zone.” (6:33) … America’s Most Wanted version was good because it featured John Walsh yelling at the peeds: “Hey scumbag! You big baby!” (8:00) … Clinical psychologist quote: The predators say they’re ‘idiots’ but they’re not, because idiots wouldn’t be able to carry out such sophisticated planning. Seth: “Uh, sophisticated planning? Hey I’m 53. Hey I’m 12. You wanna blow me? Sure. What’s your address? I live on Main Street. I’ll be there (tires screech). That’s wicked sophisto.” (9:44) … Chris Hansen reading transcript to dude: “You asked him, ‘Do you have any body hair?’” Peed: “Umm, that’s a normal chat question.” (12:00) … Old dude devouring cookies on table: “I love chocolate chip!” Chris Hansen: “Would you like some milk with those cookies?” Peed: “Sure!” (14:09)
10:58 – Jonathan forgets to watch TCAP-Florida again
16:22 – Yo, is this on NBC? Dude pulls shirt over head. Ain’t nothin’ funny goin on here! I got two words for you: Role playin, chat room. … one dude drives four hours to get there. Seth’s mom: “What in the world is worth driving four hours to get to? Because you have to drive four hours back.” … Dude comes in with full cowboy getup, I’m just here to work. I do blacktop. I like to check out the jobsite first. My computer’s fucked up.
51:12 – Implant an LCD screen in the womb for child to watch TCAP
7:58 – Jah assumes responsibility for missing first two, but Seth recorded the wrong version of TCAP on Jah’s TiVo. … Two guys both get arrested and get same sentence – one married dude with a Florida t-shirt, sends a girl a picture of his prick, brings her over a double cheeseburger and cold fries from McDonald’s – not to mention rope and duct tape; gets same punishment as other guy who e-mailed her “Let’s make love,” and brings over a single red rose and a half-empty bottle of Bacardi Big Apple … 61-year-old dude comes over to blow a 12-year-old boy. People say my BJs are the best. Seth: “Your what? I don’t even know what a BJ is! I don’t want to seem like a crazy perv, I’m just a 30-year-old, and my BJs are the best. Well dog, you are a crazy perv, you’re 60 and your BJs suck. Your BJs are wack like 1950s BJs and they don’t count.” (11:18) … policemen are fully decked out in full sasquatch camo, yelling “get down!” Seth: “Is that wicked necessary, or is that like fully not necessary?” (12:26) … Crazytrain85 sends girl a picture of his balls. Seth: “Balls are wack. Brad Pitt’s balls are wack.” Jonathan: “Can people please start sending us pictures of their balls?” (13:02) … You know what would turn me on? If you blew your cat? (13:49) Seth: “Isn’t fucking this 12-year-old virgin enough, asshole?! Stop it!!!”
10:57 – Seth claims TCAP has been wrapped up (Jonathan: “The summer of ’06 will be the Peed Summer of Love.”) … J&S play out the scene of Chris Hansen catching the peed who gets caught for the second consecutive day. Hansen: “In all my years in TV…” Peed: “I’m just getting something to eat! Can’t I get something to eat?” (13:00) … Seth has an idea of taking the rogues gallery of arrested peeds in last two Datelines, making a Peed Platoon out of them and dropping them in Fallujah (14:11)
34:30 – Jah: “We’ve been shoving sexual predators to death. We’re done. I even stopped watching for God’s sake.”
37:30 – TCAP is doing a special on Louie Anderson
48:40 – Seth references free-for-all summer that the peeds had
0:55 – Fresh batch of episodes of TCAP, this recap from Georgia (Stone Phillips: “Like moths to a flame, they kept coming back.”). Baptist preacher walks in, sees mock turtleneck, says “I knew what this was. We’re cool. Late!” Another guy: What are you her dad? I’m out. Another dude gets tasered. Yet another dude: It’s the cleanest, best pleasure.
0:49 – Seth: “If you could get on the show as a predator, we’ll send you autographed headshots.” … Jah: “I was trying to think at what point would you say ‘OK, OK, I’ve seen enough.’ You can’t watch enough of it. They should put it on every day at 6:30 p.m.” (2:58)
58:30 – Seth: “Dateline: To Catch A Mute. … A lot of grunting and moaning. Your screen name here says 6969ballsdeep69cumshot69semen. … Wooooo! …How do you plead? … Mwhhhee. You plead awesome. I’ll see you next Friday you fuckin awesome awesome guys.”
4:27 – Petaluma, California recap
43:36 – To Catch a Predator? To Catch an Angel? To Catch an Awesomeness.
3:55 – 1 vs. 100 preempts TCAP. Howard Stern rips off the TCAP bit.
27:35 – Seth announces his new Halloween costume – Chris Hansen from TCAP. He’s going to read actual transcripts from the show to average dudes
32:10 – Show comes back on Nov. 4. Seth says CYLL
33:33 – Seth dressed up as Chris Hansen and everyone agreed he had the best costume. He read transcripts and they caught an actual pedophile in the act.
21:42 – Is Dateline dead? Well – a former Terrell, TX District Attorney is. He shoots himself in the head when police come to serve him a warrant.
28:33 – Seth: “And where’s Dateline?” Jah: “Fuck Dateline.”
22:28 – Seth: “Is it a coincidence that TCAP is back on Tuesday and Michael Jackson is back in the United States after a year-long hiatus?”
4:38 – Long Beach recap – Chris Hansen asks one dude, “It says here your screen name is canIrapeyouanally.” Peed: “It gets responses.” … another dude jets when he finds out it’s a girl; disheveled man rides bike there and says he’s “35-40. … I’m out of there. This sucks.” (8:15). Another guy puts t-shirt over his head until they pull out a picture of his prick and ask if that’s his cock-and-balls. “Oh NOOOO! Yes!” (9:02). Seth discusses the new male decoy and how he’s just going for it.
0:53 – Long Beach recap Part II – making fun of female decoy who looks like Ricky Gervais; man who says “That ain’t mine. That ain’t my prick.” … One dude gets there and bolts out the door when he sees Dr. Hansen, gets in his car and peels out with the cops chasing him. … Another guy sends in a 15-year-old decoy for recon, then bolts and leaves the kid in there. Jah can’t believe this because for all he knew, the kid could be getting shivved … Another says he only has a couple chocolate-flavored condoms left; etc.
35:12 – Of all the people taken down in Long Beach, 19 have already faced the judge. Judge feels slightly sorry for them and as part of a plea bargain they all got probation and 60 hours of community service and must register as sex offenders
2:11 – Murphy, TX recap. Jonathan finally manages to watch TCAP in its entirety. … Man was missing a finger, shaking violently, but apparently was just waiting for the mother to get home. When Dr. Hansen asks him how old he is, he stumbles and says “46… 49,” but he’s 52. … 63-year-old fat bespeckled dude rolls in with a small spiked O-ring taint stimulator that he claims he bought at an office supply store. Seth: “I have a tendency to be funny. No you don’t, you have a tendency to be fucking creepy!” He also had several Chuck-E-Cheese tokens. … 54-year-old teacher comes to bone down on a 13-year-old boy. … Two decoys this week: still the female decoy that looks like Jack Osborne. Jonathan: “That girl is so mung. … If I wanted to fuck a 14-year-old and I showed up, I would probably pass.” (6:10). … “ I would fuck the boy decoy silly.” (7:01)
58:26 – Seth: “We’re going to get you in Texas and then we’re going to get you the next two Tuesdays in Florida.”
:40 – Second Murphy, TX recap. An attractive blonde decoy might be replacing Meatloaf, the other female decoy. Jah: “She is so bad at her job.” One peed uses the word “fantageous” when talking about chatting. More talk about the male decoy. Seth: “He should be charged with manslaughter.” Seth got in his car and started driving when the male decoy was on the phone telling the peed to get over there. Seth and Jonathan propose that they should get the decoys naked. Seth thinks the male decoy would be up for anything: “We need you to bone down. Oh sure! I’ll do it for the cause! What cause?” Hansen asks peed, What would you do if someone was trying to do this to your daughter? Peed: Well I hope he’d be on the up and up. Seth: “What, like you?” Jah thinks that the Perverted Justice people are so inundated with this stuff that they are 10-20 times pervier and crazier than any of the dudes they take down. … Another 35-year-old dude comes in and says “All we were going to do was play pool.” Dr. Hansen shows him the picture of his cock and says “What kind of pool game is this. What are you going to use this for?” … Another dude with the chat name “twinktoilet” says he knows it’s not an excuse, but his best friend’s mom is dying of cancer and that’s why he’s doing this. … Dude blows his brain’s out when the cops show up to his house. He did it right in front of the cops after telling they they wouldn’t get hurt. His computer was so heavily inundated with porn that they had to take it back to Sony to extract everything. … Both are looking forward to Flagler Beach, Fla.
57:58 – Jonathan receives e-mail of a guy with a Myspace page who was on TCAP
21:34 – Flagler Beach recap – Jack Osborne has been ditched. … Egyptian Muslim comes in with $1,400 in cash in his pocket, claiming he was just walking by when this girl called him in. … 24-year-old landscaper with long hair, a Jack Daniels shirt, some weed, a Mountain Dew. Jah: “I would’ve cut him loose.” … thenamestheygivearedumb, a Tae Kwon Do instructor, goes: “I haven’t done anything … yet.” … italianlover37 rolls in in a Mazda RX7 to meet a male decoy and comes in the house feverishly sweating. What was he going to do? Just talk to him. What were you going to talk to him about? Baseball …. F-f-football. … Citizen of Nepal, a chemistry teacher, says Dateline is “pretty funny.” Seth: “Is it funny because you brought flowers and chocolates but let me tell you something dude – when girls say they want chocolates, that doesn’t mean a candy bar. Chocolates means, like, a box of chocolates, not like a Whatchamacallit. Hey I got you chocolates. Dude that’s a Payday, what are you doing?” (25:26) … dude getting interviewed by cop: You were going to have sex with her? Whoa, whoa whoa, what? Like sexual things, like fingering her. Yeah, that’s fine, I thought you meant intercourse. I was going to finger her…woman cop, with a blazer on.
18:38 – Flagler Beach recap Part II – Hansen kicks it off: “Who wouldn’t want to visit Flagler Beach?” … slavetomistresses is a guy in dog collar, on the Jordanian basketball team, says he wanted to have the girl beat the fuck out of him. … two dudes are sitting there, one of them who has seen the show has a guilty conscious about it – he had sent a sideways boner picture of himself – when he sees the picture the other dude sent in full dog collar, the look of relief on his face is evident because at least he’s not that bad. … 53-year-old retired truck driver wanted to “love you with all my body, heart and soul.” Took him 4 minutes to get from his car to the house, he’s probably a stroke victim. Decoy asks if he brought the M&M’s, he jostles his pocket and it brings back a feeling to Jahnathan like he hasn’t felt since that summer camp in 1991. Then the dude’s groin area and mouth are clouded out when he starts performing fellatio on his own dentures. … another dude says “gentlemen, have a good night”… 39-year-old Wan Li broke Jah’s heart about halfway through. … another gay dude wanted to lay on his back with a pillow, let the kid sit on his chest with his knees on his forearms and punch him repeatedly. … one freak who was an ex-cop said he would become the girl’s mother’s boyfriend and fuck them both. He also had a full arsenal of weapons in his car, including a loaded snub-nose pistol on his person; etc.
28:10 – Predator courtroom wrap-up. 17 dudes arrested in the Long Beach sting roll the dice and take it to trial instead of doing 18 months in prison and all get probation. … 10 perps in Georgia are all given the option of plea bargaining for 21 months or rolling the dice, they all roll the dice and are all sentenced anywhere from 2-6 years in prison. Georgia judge: “We take care of our kids.”
19:46 – TCAP mentions new law in Ohio that would make peeds have blinking fluorescent green license plate frames
39:08 – Comparing Dr. Hanson with America’s Most Wanted’s John Walsh when encountering peeds: “What’s up scumbag?!” AMW uses Miss Oklahoma as their bait
31:28 – Apparently McDonald’s loves TCAP as much as UYD does because they’re now serving sweet tea.
46:46 – Seth: When’s TCAP coming back? Jah: They’re saying it might not. All peeds from Murphy TX (Ep. 52) got off scot-free
0:41 – TCAP slips under UYD’s radar! Seth: “We will stand by the fact that we were there with Dr. Hansen from the get-go.” Seth watched it but Jah missed it, which he’s glad about because he gets to hear a synopsis from Seth. Part I of II from Ocean County, N.J.: 44-year-old man runs at a girl, bug-eyed and sweating. … one perp brings a Hawaiian-style pizza, and when the cameras come on him he says “Please… if you let me go, you can have the pizza.” … school bus driver asks when he gets to see this on TV … when decoy tells one dude she’s going to get a drink, he immediately realizes that it’s TCAP. Starts losing his mind and giggles, tells Chris Hansen he was funny on Opie & Anthony, and says he’s a “religious watcher.” When he leaves he sizes up the situation, says it’s going to be a long night, zips up his hoodie, rolls up his bag of weed, looks at Dr. Hansen and throws up the fist, which Hansen gives to him with the clipboard in one hand. … another dude is frantic and asks if anyone in the house is going to hurt him … married dude shakes and runs at the girl, then asks to go upstairs. When Dr. Hansen comes out he says “Kevin sent me.” Who’s Kevin? “Kevin from the base. Kevin …” Are you OK? “Kevin. Kevin!” Stop saying Kevin.
3:32 – Jah misses yet another TCAP. Part II of II from Ocean County, N.J. – guy with KY; guy in Yankees jacket starts bawling; sex offender drives motorcycle 6 hours to get there (Jah: “Wild Hogs!”); dirty stache – “You give good directions!”
13:33 – Jah ponders – is this peed stuff coming to light b/c of the internet, or is it a product of the internet?
31:57 – Seth: “What happens when you and Amir and the other two ‘couples’ are watching Harry Potter and in the middle of the movie the movie shuts down, the lights come up and Chris Hansen turns the corner and says ‘Hey guys. So you like movies? You drive to the movie?’”
3:12 – They snuck a TCAP in on them. 19-year-old decoy. Guy showing balls drives 5 ½ hours with loaded gun. He was tasered in the living room but only one prong goes in, he screams like a girl and runs around before being tackled. Registered offender sitting in chair staring at decoy so methodically that Seth wants to warn her to run. Guy stands up and gets in full rape zone. … Dr. Hansen: Do you know who I am? Peed: Well yeah, you’re obviously a therapist.
36:01 – Family of man who committed suicide on TCAP has been allowed to proceed with a $100 million lawsuit against the show, network, etc. Seth: “TCAP has done absolutely nothing wrong but expose sickness. I’ll agree with that lawsuit if only to see Dr. Hansen on the witness stand. Mock turtleneck, being cross-examined.”
8:06 – Seth saw a picture of Chris Hansen on TMZ. Hansen was smashed, posing with a guy and a girl for a photo.
28:38 – Jonathan says that the people who try out for American Idol are people that know people who have been on “To Catch A Predator.” Jah then brings up the one that wanted to make the girl blow her cat (Ep. 15, 13:49), and how that is one of the Idol contestants’ writing partner
43:53 – We don’t have TCAP anymore, and Seth thinks the peeds must be on a tear since the show isn’t on anymore. He is mad at how much good TV they’ve missed.
58:15 – Seth says he’s resorting to watching What Would You Do? since Dateline isn’t on any more. Seth wonders if you put John Quiñones and Chris Hansen into a room, who would come out alive? Jah can’t answer this because he doesn’t know who Quiñones is.
25:51 – Seth can’t believe there aren’t any new TCAP episodes because of the 90,000 peeds who have gotten booted off Myspace in the last two years: “You need to get to work, Dr. Hansen.”
28:28 – Jah thinks somebody could do another version of TCAP by setting up the same scenarios. Seth thinks it should be EPW: Extreme Pedophile Watch. Seth thinks he should go in as the decoy and be a superfruit, while Jah should play Seth’s father
2:29 – Dateline’s Las Vegas special was tough for Seth to watch, because he could tell Chris Hansen felt handcuffed because he wasn’t busting pedophiles. All the guys he confronted were telling Hansen that his show was a good thing, getting “those guys off the street.” One busted pimp told the undercover cop/prostitute: “Make your next move your best move.” Seth says there’s nothing better than Hansen turning the corner on a peed with a clipboard and transcripts. He’s saddened to realize he’s never going to get that again.
32:00 – Dr. Hansen was doing some true investigative work this past Sunday on Dateline NBC. He investigated the California Lottery and found some discrepancies by sending lottery officials into stores with fake winning tickets and hidden cameras. They would throw them up on the counter and say they thought they were winners, and to check them for them while they “shopped.” Some of the clerks would tell them they were winners; others would say there were no winners and pocket them. One guy won half a million dollars and didn’t realize he had won until he was reading his hometown paper in Sacramento and saw the video of his wife buying the ticket. The clerk was waiting for the winner to come back and match his ticket with a losing ticket.
25:16 – Seth mentions Dr. Hansen as if he were interrogating framed child porn viewers.
35:59 – Dr. Hansen reappears with his “Vegas Undercover” segment on Dateline NBC (Episode 171, 2:29).
40:08 – Seth talks about how he thinks about To Catch A Predator all the time. TV is his life and TCAP is his best friend. He goes through a miniscule sampling of the results of the show: DC suburb – 19 men in three days; Southern California – 50 men in 3 days; Greenville, Ohio – 18 men in 3 days; Fort Myers, Fla. – 24 men in 3 days; Harris County, Ga. – 20 men in 3 days; Murphy, Texas – 25 men in 3 days; Ocean County, N.J. – 28 men in 3 days. He wonders what has been going on in the last year and a half that Dateline has not been running this program. Jah says Perverted Justice is still doing stings but Seth says it’s not the same without the backing of Dr. Christopher Hansen. Seth thinks he and Jah need to take a meeting in Hollywood and pitch a new TCAP show starring the two of them. Jah wonders what they would have on the table instead of sweet tea and chocolate chip cookies. Seth thinks it would be vegan treats and almond milk. Seth is pissed that the guy who blew his brains out in Texas caused this whole debacle (Episode 053, 8:16). Seth wants to countersue that guy’s family.
33:23 – Jah has heard of a peed referred to as a “Chi-Mo” but he wonders if Seth has ever heard of a peed referred to as a “Baby’s Man,” like Jah heard earlier in the day.
30:52 – Dr. Chris Hansen is referenced
29:36 – An investigation into Georgia’s sexual offender registry has found that the website is riddled with inaccuracies and errors containing dates, crimes, addresses and descriptions. It’s leaving many parents in Georgia flustered because they can’t keep track. Seth says the solution is to stay in your house and assume that everyone not in your house is a sex offender/predator.
42:15 – Because this show is no longer around until Hollywood accepts UYD’s 3D movie version of TCAP, Seth is forced to give us recaps of watered-down “gotcha!” shows like What Would You Do?
55:15 – Seth thinks Bait Car is the next best thing to To Catch A Predator. It has so much Dateline flavor to it.
53:20 – Seth laments the fact that this show isn’t on anymore. Nothing else compares.