View This Week In Florida
31:57 – Florida arson suspect hangs self aboard United Airlines plane in flight; Miami man drives Ford Escape into showroom, pours gasoline on car, sets it and all other vehicles on fire b/c he was upset about financing deal he received. Seth: “If you’re not in some way lighting yourself or the people around you on fire, it doesn’t count to me.”
28:31 – A 28-year-old gym teacher in Florida was fired after it was discovered he was allowing students to pay him $1 a day to skip the class period. Over the course of three months he racked up over $1,000 before the principal found out he was doing it.
35:19 – Seth on a notorious dogfighting dealer: “Probably in Florida. Fucking Florida.”
51:17 – A Haitian national had a skull packed in her suitcase on a flight to Florida’s Fort Lauderdale airport. The package was to “ward off evil spirits” as part of her voodoo beliefs.
41:26 – First mention (not called TWIF, but Jonathan says “Florida Sucks.”): 50-year-old dudes argue over empty roll of toilet paper; one bludgeons the other with a sledgehammer handle and a claw hammer
11:22 – (segment not titled) Seth: “If you’re in Florida, get out. If you have to be there, shoot gators.”
33:21 – Brief rail on FL by Jah: “Will you stop Florida?! This is crazy!”
36:06 – Kid comes home from school crying to old man: “Dad, at school today, I was jewish.”
30:40 – Official announcement of TWIF. Jonathan: “It’s a theme that came to us.” Held in conjunction with “Who’s Mommin’ Harder?” (a.k.a. “Who’s the Worse Floridian Mom?”)
36:41, 43:07 – Jonathan brainstorms theme song
25:34 – (With Jonathan singing intro) Edgewater man with AIDS molesting children; replacement gym teacher uses same technique of charging kids $1 a day to skip gym class; Miami’s main electricity company is offiering $100,000 reward for information as to who drilled a hole in a pipe in one of its nuclear power plants; 70-year-old man in Titusville grabs woman’s breast in park and shows his prick, then they find a camera and lollipops in his car; Tampa hand surgeon operates on the wrong part of a patient – her third such mistake; Sigma Delta Pi sorority house busted for recording sexual acts w/o permission of participants – 36 pledges were required to have sex with partner on first date with 7 partners in a two-week period via Myspace; 4-year-old boy beaten and pushed outside of a truck by a grown man in a McDonald’s parking lot; man in electronics section of Wal-Mart was seen going up to boys and offering them $20 or $40 to show their genitals; teens injured when internet pipe bomb explodes – one loses an eye; pregnant woman repeatedly kicked during carjacking; husband and wife found dead in clothing store they owned – police calling it suspicious; father strikes daughter with belts for not doing homework; woman leaves 1-month old unattended for 90 minutes in a Sears – was driving home when she realized he wasn’t in the car with her
16:44 – (first pre-produced TWIF intro = DISTURBING) Door-to-door free breast exams (Seth: “Hey, I’m a special FBI homeland security mailman doctor, and I need to finger you and get a dollar for it without gloves or hand wash. Let me do it. Please? Thank you. Did it. Done. Late!” (tires screeching)); grandpa buys grandson game of checkers featuring nude photos and sexually suggestive language; man arrested for setting up sexual meeting with 16-year-old boy (Seth: “I have a niece about your age. And by niece I mean my own prick. And I think you should meet it. And talk about it.”) - 22:50
55:35 – (more regular TWIF intro) Mayor of Hollywood, FL., gets purse stolen at gas station; David Copperfield uses sleight of hand to avoid getting mugged; boater finds human head in ocean; woman in wheelchair swinging knives gets shot with taser and dies; creepy man lures boy into car and fondles him; etc.
14:30 – (long pause in place of jingle) Dolphins lineman Jason Taylor knifed; homeless man kills another one over a can of beer; homeless man killed over box of raisins (Jah: “That is the worst thing I have ever heard”); man arrested in Titusville sitting outside of a school looking at child porn on his laptop; woman opens her window at night in Tampa and thought she felt a cockroach crawling on her, then feels a tongue in her ear, then sees a dude at her window who yells at her in Spanish and goes out the window like a “crab;” high school teacher was carrying out an illicit love affair with a 17-year-old, who was going to tell, so he brought her into the woods, strangled her and broke her neck. She’s in intensive care clinging to life, but her uncle, after findout the news, had a heart attack and died; dude wearing a Scream mask goes around his neighborhood in Dielin stabbing women; baby dies when father leaves her in car – “It’s not my fault. I get distracted; I got a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old also” Seth: “You don’t even get it, UN-Dad;” woman in Coral Springs was dying in her apartment, police show up to save her, but woman who runs the apartment complex refuses to give them a key because it’s “against the rules to give a key to someone who is not a tenant,” police climb through her back window and find her dead … “Make it fine with 49.” (23:50 and 26:03) … Jah proposes that UYD carves a moat that separates Florida from the rest of the union, and says the Floridians wouldn’t even be able to figure out how to get across the water dividing them
24:42 – (jingle returns) Cherished Memories sends photo of stillborn child to mother; woman attempts to scare another woman by waving a sword at her in a Wal-Mart parking lot; methmouth attacks WWII vet at red light with U.S. flag and takes his vehicle; dean of discipline at a school says to a 10th grade student: “I think you should go to college. I also think you should eat out your best friend and videotape it and let me watch it;” woman killed by alligator while jogging; etc.
47:17 – Brooksville, FL fake DUI tests by “Deputy Chuck,” grandfather robs 7 convenience stores and ends up naked and unconscious in the woods, etc.
21:30 – L. Ron Hubbard’s “Operation Clear Florida” … Jah offers “Florida Purchase” where they will sell Florida to the scientologists for $200,000 … HS teacher in Florida puts illegal Haitian player on soccer team and gets busted; another HS teacher in Florida found outside of a bar at 2:30 a.m. with no shirt on – when police subdued him he went Luke Skywalker on them and beat off two cops (Jah: “What do you mean he beat them off?”); relatives of a teen who died in a car crash are suing police department b/c the deputies pursued their son b/c they wanted to sexually assault them; man with gold teeth exposes prick to young girls; FedEx driver run over by his own truck and killed; man douses himself in gasoline and sets self on fire; woman shoots bottle rockets at chopper
40:01 – Survey reveals FL leads nation in attacks on the homeless; grandparents order hit on own family; Villages retirement community in Orlando has widespread rampant STDs ripping through retirement home (47:42)
38:33 – Mock crime scene for classroom ends up being actual crime scene; middle school teachers caught boning down in a classroom
41:12 – Hollywood FL butcher dies in tow truck dispute over $2; 14-year-old girl boosts 26 cars worth at least $120,000 in one month; caregiver gets upset at woman with MS b/c she pees all over herself and douses her with bleach; etc.
25:26 – (crazy reverse intro) Transgendered 5-year-old child told to act neutral; guards boning down on inmates, federal agents killed; Clearwater police officer beats wife when she refuses to engage in group sex; etc.
49:56 – (creepy whisper intro) ex-lover burns house down, Jacksonville man robbed at gunpoint by two 14-year-old Myspace impersonators; woman thrown from sunroof of her vehicle when she gets in an accident (Jah: “How much did she weigh?” Seth: “600 pounds.” Jah: “Holy fucking shit! How do you get out of a sunroof? Are you sure it wasn’t a convertible, like a topless Paul Wall-style stripper car?” – 53:28); two different men tasered; dude smashes boss’s window with a sledgehammer, throws everything out, including himself; etc.
10:15 – (creepy chipmunk intro) man ordered to stop recruiting sex offenders; patrolman runs woman over sunbathing; man sits on top of woman for 5 hours and punches her every time she opens her eyes, etc.
33:23 – Man runs into woods on routine traffic stop - caught with thousands of child pornography photos; neutral child; woman’s lips superglued together; etc.
51:36 – Exorcising dog regularly until it dies; carjacker punches 83-year-old woman in the face twice; etc.
14:41 – Clearwater man making documentary on scientology; female DUI instructor drunk; naked from waist down going 90-something down the road; etc.
13:27 – Man looking at gun accidentally shoots self in head; dolphin at Sea World in Orlando bites child; pissing on mail in Pensacola and line-drying it; etc. Seth: “Florida … Stop pissing on your mail!!!”
26:15– (trumpet intro) – man riding jet ski gets knocked off by huge fish (Seth: “The fish hate being there and take it out on the people living there”); girl charged for trying to kill her family by making them peanut butter cup dessert with a 40-oz container of Spic and Span poured in it; fake officer takes victims into custody and robs them; man run over by three separate vehicles; (Seth: “Pedestrian, walking down the street. Pickup truck, boom! Hits him, knocks him, spins him around, he falls down. Here comes a Cutlass, doo-doof! Rolls over him. Ahh! Kind of spins him a little bit more, he’s screaming, nobody helping. What is this? Vrooooom. That’s a semi. DOO-DOOF! All three. Can’t find him. No witnesses. That’s how it goes.” - 35:42); etc.
9:26 – While family fleeing house fire, family dog bites father; fire station built where water lines do not run to; 6-year-old beats up elementary school teacher; fake OBGYN goes door-to-door giving gynecological exams; Black Devil Pablo; etc.
56:48 – Armless man Michael Francis Wiley pulled over for driving yet again; 7-year-old’s thumb bit off by dolphin at Sea World; police chief’s home burglarized while he’s giving a lecture on crime prevention; man bites kid’s balls; flasher repeatedly asks people to “touch it, touch it, come on, touch it;” man lights adult bookstore on fire out of guilt; etc. (phone call interrupts TWIF at 58:05)
49:13 – (freakiest intro ever) Fish leaps out of water and breaks arm of jetskiier; dude rapes three girls in one day (Jah: “Hey, what’d you do today? Eh, you know, I woke up, grabbed coffee, went to work, got out of work and then I raped a girl.” Seth: “You what?” Jah: “I raped a girl. And then after that I went and grabbed a bite and then I raped another girl there, and then on my way home from there, I pulled over and raped somebody else.” Seth: “Three times?” Jah: “It was a crazy day. It was hectic. A lot on my plate right now.” – 51:37); Naked tickler; man gets into fender bender and shoots himself; roommate gets tired of other roommate playing loud music and burns the house down; guy tries to jump a canal in an ATV with no helmet, doesn’t make it, etc.
52:29 – Jogger stuck in mud for four days eating mud to stay alive; guy posing as phony secret service agent; man shot in face over gold chain; police still hunting naked tickler; woman in Lowe’s superstore taking to hospital after getting bitten by poisonous snake twice in garden center; peeping tom charged for taking ‘upshots’; etc.
41:58 – At least 10 revenge killings of stingrays since death of Steve Erwin; 70-year-old expert witness defends strippers, saying all they’re doing is “da butt;” police officer slips his Myspace page address into crazy coke-using woman’s pocket; triple amputee arrested for attacking wife; evicted tenant refuses to leave, lights building on fire; etc.
51:48 – Mom tasered by son while picking him up from school; man attacks girlfriend with ax; judge jerking it in his chambers; man attacks ice cream clerk violently because he “wanted cigarettes;” two elderly women in intensive care unit from severe heat stroke from being locked in cars (all they had to do was open the door) Seth: “Hey Florida, your old people are wicked old.”
49:35 – Miami Dade police officer jacks coke from evidence locker and sells it on the street wearing police uniform; Tampa man driving under the influence plows car into front of police station; deputy accidentally shoots self in face with .45 at party; mom tries to send cell phone photo of her daughter to her mom, but grandma receives pornographic image instead; woman lights self on fire while smoking a cigarette at a gas station; woman growing weed in backyard just thought it was “her son’s special plant;” grandparents cut grandson’s arm, let him bleed onto a Bible and read scripture out of it; elderly blind man robbed of clothes and beaten with own cane, then stripped naked; man slept with dead girlfriend and then euthanized her cats, etc.
42:56 – Leesburg, FL students roll into class wearing KKK outfits and parents get upset that they’re getting disciplined because it’s “Halloween;” school photo of Orlando first-grader doctored by studio to give her cleavage; woman wearing wig robs bank directly across from FBI building and gets away; woman scalds potential rapist posing as cable repair guy with pot of hot water; 72-year-old woman in a Naples hospital b/c her cab driver drove through a fence, went out onto a tarmac and slammed into an airplane, the wing of the plane went through the windshield and hit the woman in the head in the back seat; kid gets dive stick stuck in his butt and his parents sue Wal-Mart; I-4 closed down because there was a crash and the whole freeway was covered in baked beans; Jacksonville father keeps son locked in his room for three years with surveillance equipment to monitor him, etc.
53:39 – (backwards intro) son accused of hammer attack on mom; man killed while laying on RR tracks; man gets gold teeth stolen from mouth while sleeping; etc.
54:23 – Man goes bananas in department store dressing rooms; teen sells $800,000 in non-existing computer equipment on ebay; 71-year-old husband takes machete to wife because he doesn’t like dinner; 16-year-old orders 17 porn movies from neighbors’ home while they’re out of town; 9-year-old detained after attacking his elementary teacher for the fourth time in three weeks; 4-year-old burns family’s house down for second time in four months; etc.
58:20 – Penn & Teller are now also ripping Florida. Jonathan: Why don’t you just call the documentary ‘Jacking UYD.’ Seth: “The only story you need to know is that a woman in Tampa was beaten down by a dildo.”
55:34 – (great intro) paraplegic man run over by car wakes up in a hospital with two traffic tickets attached to chest, police said he didn’t have proper working lights on his wheelchair, plus the moving violation; sheriff deputy’s car crushed by an SUV as he’s pulling into an adult bookstore late at night; dudes rob convenience store in Orange County wearing Scream masks; ex-con released from prison in 2003 after 20 years in death row because of DNA evidence, beat his wife twice and was thrown back in prison; police looking for 9-year-old girl who had Lego blocks hidden under her jacket, then pulled a knife on an employee and rode off on her bicycle; Lakeland family hiding pot plants in baby’s crib; etc.
48:45 – Man arrested at MNF game for impersonating a police officer; 15 men have AK-47 shootout during baby shower; family’s house catches fire for third time in 10 months; Morales family has house lit on fire for third time in 10 months; man claims anti-depressant Paxil caused him to steal $8 million from a former employer; first grader brings a bag of cocaine to Beverly Shores Elementary School in Leesburg; etc.
48:59 – Man high on crack and butt naked gets arm ripped off by alligator; dude shoots and kills best friend on accident with a gun he stole the day before out of a patrol car in his neighborhood; old man living in Winter Springs charged with a ton of child pornography, but calls it a misunderstanding because he doesn’t know how to use new technology when people send him things; woman goes missing for 13 days – actually gets stuck behind a bookshelf and dies; etc.
23:12 – Rep. Tom Tancredo (R.-Colo.) calls Miami a “third-world country;” cocaine washing up on Florida beaches; giant African rats taking over the state; president of Goya foods has birthday party for daughter and a cougar mauls one of her friends; dude in Pensacola arrested with 40,000 photos of child porn; etc.
24:26 – Man lights another man on fire to end dispute; bank robber gives teller a note that reads I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE; car salesman stabbed in neck by man taking test drive; woman running through house to get ringing phone trips and stabs self in neck with a ball-point pen, manages to knock phone off receiver and yell “help me! Help me!”; woman arrested because she approached a sheriff’s deputy and threw crack cocaine at him saying “mother-effer sold me bad crack!”; etc.
55:20 – Baby tossed in oven; man attacks woman at wrong address; man lit on fire while working on car in garage; man in motel room lights self on fire; released convict misses friends in Florida State Penitentiary, out for less than two weeks, hands teller a note saying he’s going to rob it, waits in lobby for police to arrest him so he can go back; couple robbed of everything including an urn containing their 4-year-old child’s ashes; etc.
58:18 – Man lights house on fire while trying to burn out hornets; father shoots 4-year-old son with BB gun to “teach him a lesson;” 51-year-old masturbates in front of college girls for third time; Hooters across from a school puts PLAGIARISM SAVES TIME on marquee; etc.
26:01 – Guy tries to rob house and punches 9-month-old and 3-year-old in the face, then asks cops for their addresses so he can go have sex with their wives; man strips naked with phone in his hand and tries to swim away, then bites the cop on the chest when they haul him into the boat; man driving Cadillic runs over bicycle rider then beats him up; etc. Seth: “Florida, you seem to have a problem with biting people and lighting shit on fire. Because last week there were six different stories where you lit shit on fire. Can’t pay your rent? Light that apartment on fire. Don’t like the porno you’re beating off to? Light the porn store on fire. There’s a bees nest in front of your house? Light the bees nest and then the house on fire! You got fuckin’ problems, Florida.” (32:42)
12:01 – Woman went into hospital to give birth and left with no arms or legs; etc.
57:00 – Woman puts 7 people in hospital after literally driving her car into the DMV; etc.
17:49 – Video footage released of woman driving into DMV – in surveillance footage, man wearing a Superman costume runs away; mother strangles daughter with an electrical cord after the daughter keeps skipping school; Seminole County woman calls and said her boyfriend is hitting her 2-year-old boy – man denies it and says he was flicking him, even though they found a fist-sized imprint on the boy; Cocoa man gets into a car accident, goes back to apartment complex and lights it on fire; man in Tampa goes into a Social Services office and lights building on fire after he wasn’t helped promptly enough; man working at Animal Kingdom clearing out rhino exhibit, co-worker doesn’t like the way he was doing it so he lit the exhibit on fire; etc.
14:29 – Florida man busted in S.C. for driving into parked state trooper on highway – had 43 lbs. of weed in his trunk; dude goes into a store called Knives R Us with his own sword, yelling “I will stick you!” then stole 3 knives and drove off on his red 10-speed – clerk recognized him because he paid with a check the other day, pulled the address off the check and dude was sitting on his front porch; 3 14-year-old boys bone down with fire chief’s wife in hot tub; 78-year-old jogger gets hit by a Mercedes in a hit-and-run, has a sheet over him by the time the police get there b/c he’s “dead,” another guy who says he’s a medical professional declares him dead, cop checks and gets a pulse, and he’s straight alive; etc.
48:43 – Dr. Marc J. Goulet arrested for treating people without license, would prescribe a cream – on the tube it said “Passion Cream for Women.” Women was crossed out with a magic marker and “Men” was written in; etc.
29:28 – Granddaughter of NASCAR founder arrests someone in Boca Raton; Cape Coral “officer” pulling over teens/young adults and taking $20 bills from them; toddler at Jacksonville pre-school tests positive for cocaine; guy strangles wife to death with a belt and claims she wanted it for rough sex, etc. Seth: “Hey Florida, you’re like the Will Ferrell of states. You’re like a Will Ferrell-Jack Black buddy comedy.” (35:01)
47:10 – Distraught white woman waving gun at Walgreen’s threatening to shoot everyone in store – cops go to wrong Walgreen’s and hold black mother and teen daughter with Diet Cokes pointing guns at them; dudes having a street race going 120 mph crash and kill a 17-year-old girl, dude gets sentence to two years in prison but judge makes him hang a photo of the girl 2x2 feet with I’M SORRY I KILLED YOU written above it for two more years; Tampa’s spelling – K-E-N-N-D-E-Y; driver pulled over for expired tags has a fully mobile meth lab with potted marijuana plants, plus meth fell out of his armpit; etc.
18:24 – Seth twists it by taking us out of Florida and into Ohio. Listener suggest to Jah “Make It Great With 48” and lumping Utah into the Florida mix
46:29 – 911 supervisor after woman chokes to death on phone: “Another one bites the dust. I guess she bit off more than she could chew.”
54:41 – Accused shoplifter claims she has IBS; man arrested on front lawn skinning alligator; woman shows her 5-year-old neighbor her cans; Clearwater man trying not to pay alimony to ex-wife because she had a sex change; etc.
21:35 – Michael Francis Wiley, the guy with no arms and one leg revisited. Cops takes statement from next door neighbor: “He is one of the best drivers I’ve ever seen in my life, but he’s the worst person I’ve ever met.”
32:23 – Woman in Florida pulled over for DUI – wearing t-shirt “I’m not a drunk, I’m an alcoholic – Alcoholics go to meetings” .. update on Michael Francis Wiley (Episode 029, 56:48); Pensacola man makes 292 false 9-1-1 calls in a month
11:45 – State Rep. Bob Allen arrested by undercover cop in bathroom of park
28:22 – Mother of 6th grader in Jacksonville, Fla.: “Does anyone have something to say? You all can get some of this.” Says to classmates when she picked him up from the bus stop, waving a handgun
25:32 – In St. Petersburg, the Palace Mobile Home Park ($400/mo for all utilities and free hook-ups) – 95 of the 200 residents are registered sex offenders. In last two years, more than 600 different sex offenders have lived there. Seth: “How do you think that party would be if you brought Dakota Fanning in there with a helicopter and just dropped her in there?” Jah: “It’d be like starved Bengal tigers.” Seth: “It would be like dropping Eva Mendez in a bikini into the yard at Folsom at noon.” (26:38)
37:35 and cont. at 43:22 – TWIF makes triumphant return with no theme song: cities ban masks b/c so many people had crimes in costume last year; in Niceville two longtime enemies had a violent confrontation at the annual mullet festival; in Bradenton a school bus driver fails a drug test and blames it on middle school students b/c of second-hand pot smoke
16:33 – Family in friends in Orlando funeral home viewing open casket of older male relative when male in his 20s begins to attack the man in the casket; “doctor” in strip mall practicing medicine illegally in a strip mall (“I got degrees up the yin yang.”)
44:00 – At a Wal-Mart in Ocalusa, man was seen on surveillance video drinking two bottles of White Rain hair spray
16:39 – Kid on Orlando school bus throws crayon and hits car, driver tails bus, gets on bus and says “I got somethin’ for yo ass. The iron will set your mind right.”
10:33 – In Pompano Beach, Starbucks customers paid it forward by paying bill for customer behind them all day long. Arthur Rosenfeld’s customer behind him was honking at him and he went zen on them.
24:02 – Principal at elementary school in Lakeland, Fla. (married father of two) has briefcase containing several photos of nude women dressed up as little girls, faces were superimposed with several faces of female students
28:56 – 39-year-old arrested in Palm Bay after riding around his neighborhood with no bottoms masturbating with full boner
33:27 – Police called to a home in Port St. Lucie b/c a man and his stepfather were fighting – 6-year-old daughter had loaded gun under her pillow, man said he lets her sleep with it because he watches way too much CNN; couple from Chicago in Florida watch their home in Chicago burn down
20:20 – 37-year-old man in Seminole was arrested after the mother of a 12-year-old girl found out that the girl and her friend met the man on Myspace and then had sex with him in a hotel room. Police arrested him, t-shirt while booked in mug shot read REAL MEN OF GENIUS; two members of a prominent Dade County street gang “The Bird Road Boys” were arrested after taunting police (or netbanging) on YouTube; man in Jacksonville gets mad when he doesn’t get his fries in his bag at McDonald’s drive-thru that he pulled out of the drive-thru, hit the gas and drove straight through the play area, smashed his car into the lobby and drove himself home. Police followed a trail of glass to his house; 13-year-old girl walked into back entrance of a Tampa Burger King wearing pajamas and slippers and carrying a butcher knife, yelling “Somebody get me a fucking cheeseburger right now!”
52:59 – Destin – 20-year-old Derek Logan Dale was arrested for stealing a woman’s purse, tells police officer that the strap of the purse fell onto his foot and it just went with him, next thing he knows it was on his arm. Then he kicked out the back window and said “Yo, I’m claustrophobic!”
14:04 – 26-year-old woman arrested outside of a Tampa night club after she punched a police horse in the face
52:47 – Spokesman for Florida’s Department of Children and Families was arrested in Tampa for paying two 16-year-old boys (both in and out of foster homes) to let him videotape them having sex. He was attempting to distribute the video for profit … in Indian River County, police pulled over a 400-pound man after he ran a stoplight. When questioning him outside his car, they found a bag of cocaine hidden inside his belly button … In Kissimmee, Florida, a neighborhood man keeps jumping out of bushes and masturbating in front of young girls. Seth says he would give anything to see that (56:30) … In Deland, Florida, a 63-year-old woman was caught shoplifting a bag of items from a convenience store. When confronted by the manager, she sprayed brake fluid in his face, eyes and mouth … Jacksonville man Alger Scott was arrested for the 101st time
46:11- Peggy Siafi, 59, director of Florida’s DUI program, was arrested in her home after hitting a parked car. She blew 4 times the legal limit; lawmaker in panhandle wants to create a specialty license plate celebrating “confederate heritage” with a rebel flag; in Port St. Lucie, police were called to a home after Kenny Chomsky tasered his mother at a party; 19-year-old charged with trying to hold up a convenience store using his index finger as a pretend gun; Merritt Island couple argues over who is less drunk, husband pushes wife down, gets in car, circles back around and hits her, pinning her under car
55:56 – In Tampa, a 77-year-old man known as “Crazy Ray” was arrested on an elementary school campus with a knife yelling “You’re all going to hell!”; in Flagler County, a man shoots his wife in his home claiming he thought it was empty and playfully pointed it at her; in Ocala, a 77-year-old man beat up his 74-year-old wife because he was upset about the high cost of gas; in Ocaloosa, boyfriend spits on woman twice when she finds out he had been cheating on her. When police arrived, he claimed he didn’t spit on her – only gleaked on her; Orlando police looking for woman seen on a surveillance camera at a local car-wash, taking her 2-year-old out of her white Hyundai and spraying her with a high-pressure wand all over her body; etc.
55:11 – Segment begins by Jonathan giving some background. Jah notes that there is an abnormal collection of terrible and senseless and idiotic happenings in the state of Florida, to the point that UYD has initiated a movement in an attempt to annex the state from the 50 states, which would require cutting it off the mainland and pushing it out into the ocean and making it its own island. Some people would then like to move Puerto Rico in to replace Florida. … In Groveland, an 11-year-old was going door-to-door to raise money for a school fundraiser, when a 43-year-old Disney security guard opened the door completely naked and punched the kid in the head; in Tampa, a bar has been holding dwarf cagefighting on weekends; in Point Sienna, a 44-year-old history teacher was suspended for telling a 13-year-old that she had “nice perky tits;” in Kissimmee, a masseuse was arrested for performing a lewd act on a 13-year-old girl who came in for a massage with her mom; 48-year-old Floyd Bebee’s mugshot on the Smoking Gun with a tattoo on his forehead that reads GIT-R-DUN. What we don’t see is the tattoo on the back of his head that reads GOT-R-DID.
1:01:23 – Florida has seen a sharp rise in teen STDs that is in keeping with the national average (1 in 4 teens), survey shows that many students in Florida believe that a shot of Mountain Dew before sex will prevent pregnancy
50:37 – Florida is looking into banning the sales of single beer cans, which are commonly known as “road sodas.” … Legislative session closed this week in Florida. There were 270 new laws passed. Still legal in Florida: beastiality.
1:00:43 – Seth and Jonathan acknowledge that there was already shit going around about Florida before UYD started covering it. They never claimed dominion over the Florida-bashing
41:53 – (Combined with “Who’s Floridianing Harder?”) In Jacksonville, on Craig’s List, a girl offered up herself to get pregnant. She then wanted to abort the baby in order to show her sister how easy it is to get an abortion because she won’t get one; seventh grade social studies teacher Greg Howard was suspended from his school district after writing this on his dry erase board during class: CHANGE = COME HELP A NIGGER GET ELECTED; writer Joel Stein observes dude getting mad expensive rims and stuff put on his car, after he informs the guy he’s spending a lot of money, the guy said Rick Ross told him “You gotta spend money like you know you’re gonna make more money;” in Daytona Beach, there was attempted kidnapping of a girl on the Warner Christian Academy cross country team. Their runs take place in a neighborhood that has 244 registered sex offenders; school bus driver in Daytona Beach couldn’t settle down the unruly kids on her bus, so she drove the bus onto railroad tracks, sat there and refused to move until they shut up. She finally moved when the train was bounding toward them
18:54 – The final write-in votes have been tallied in Florida for the presidential election. There were 23 votes for Jesus, 6 votes for God, 2 votes for Chuck Norris, 2 votes for George W. Bush, 2 votes for Bill Cosby and several single votes for Billy O’Reilly, May the best man win, Me, Homer Simpson, They Both Suck ’08, Tommy Chong and Weird Al Yankovic
26:36 – A family therapist in Florida named Michael Holder, who conducts at-home sessions called “Dynamic Parenting Courses” to correct negative patterns in children’s behavior was arrested for strangling his 10-year-old stepson
48:42 – Researchers in Florida have found that Wikipedia articles on pharmaceutical drugs omit many of the side effects on possible interaction problems and dangers that could be a threat to people. Medscape and Web MD are more reliable
47:26 – In Port St. Lucie, police are seeking an arrest warrant for a 37-year-old man accused of beating his 25-year-old wife. The wife suspected her husband of cheating on her, so she asked him to let her smell his penis to determine if there had been adulterous behavior (Seth: “Let me get those nards right up on this.”) He refused, got angry and attacked her
58:15 – Quick shout-out to the name of the segment
0:30 – Subliminal nod to this segment. Seth: “Make it fine with 149.”
12:14 – A woman in New Port Richey, Florida, told everyone she had cancer and was dying. She said all her goodbyes and gave away everything she owned, put out her obit and sent out the notice that she had passed, then showed up at her own funeral. When everyone went crazy she said it wasn’t her, it was the long lost twin sister that no one knew about
7:38 – In Cape Coral, a 51-year-old man named George Bartusek was arrested in his car in the parking lot of a local grocery store after several people called to complain about him making out with and graphically fondling two blow-up dolls. One was nude, one wore bra and panties; in Naples, 10-year-old Victor Delgado got a cell phone from his parents for his birthday. Minutes after opening his present he was sent a full porn clip to the phone. Victor said “It’s pornography at its best – picture movement, music, basically like watching a TV clip.” MetroPCS apologizes.
5:00 – A 911 call by Jean Fortune at a Boynton Beach Burger King: “Yeah I’m at a Burger King on Boynton Beach Boulevard.” 911: “What’s going on there?” Fortune: “I’m coming here to buy something. I place an order. When I get there I’m in the window, I tell the lady I want lemonade. Pink lemonade. She says, ‘We don’t have pink lemonade?’ I say, ‘Why don’t you say that to me before?’” 911: “You cannot dial 911 because you’re not happy with your burger. 911 is if you’re dying.”
37:49 – In Deerfield Beach, 3-year-old boy dies after his mother held him in a tub of scalding water as a punishment on Christmas day. His grandmother failed to get medical care for him for a week
1:01:28 – Prosecutors are seeking the extradition of a woman in Florida accused of poisoning her husband, a Marine sergeant, and then using his life insurance policy to buy breast enhancement.
2:53 – Royal Scam in a Minnesota high school – a British transfer student claims to be a duke in England. School newspaper finds out he’s actually a 22-year-old dude from Florida and a registered sex offender
56:19 – A couple things happened in Florida. Jah was there recently so he knows. A 53-year-old Sarasota woman videotaped herself having sex with two dogs while she was watching child porn. … A man in Oseola county was arrested going door-to-door posing as a dentist, working out of the back of his pickup truck in a lawn chair
33:51 – A 32-year-old teacher in St. Petersburg, Fla., who teaches a “Life Choices” class that teaches students about positive relationships and self esteem, has been arrested for carrying on an inappropriate relationship with an eighth-grade boy. Her name is Christy Lynn Martin, and she and her student referred to each other as “husband and wife.” They have never had sex, only kissed, and sent nude cell phone photos to each other. Things got out of hand when she threatened him with divorce.
30:29 – Because of strict sexual predator laws in Florida, there are now 65 registered sex offenders living in tents and shacks under the Julia Tuttle Causeway. It connects Miami Beach and the mainland. They have to stay 2,500 feet away from where children congregate, and they can live nowhere except the airport, the Everglades and under this causeway.
50:29 – A woman posted a Craig’s List ad in Florida offering childcare to any local families. She got a call from a man asking if she had any experience with special-needs care. The situation seemed as though his brother had been in a bad car accident which had left him with physical handicaps as well as some mental stuff that gave him the mind of a child. He would need to be taken care of as a kid. She agreed because they offered $600 a week and she spent 3 months caring for the man hand and foot. She bottle fed him, she changed and cleaned the diaper he wore, she patted his head while he napped, etc. She grew suspicious of the “brother” she had met because they had never met face-to-face, only talked over the phone. The man-boy always showed up to her house by himself, and apparently his aunt lived around the corner so he could walk on his own. One day after the man left, the woman sent her husband to follow him. He hobbled out of the house, walked around the corner, hopped into a car and drove down the street. The husband chased him down and got him to cop to the fact that he was faking it and he was “the brother.”
49:52 – Florida governor and devout Methodist Charlie Crist told a group of real estate agents that before his election in 2006 Florida had roughly 8 hurricanes in the previous two years: “You know the last time we had a hurricane in Florida? It’s been a while. In 2007 I took my first trade mission. Do you know where I went? I went to the Western Wall in Israel and I inserted a prayer that read, Dear God, Please protect Florida from storms and other difficulties. – Charlie. Time goes on – May, June, July, August, September, October, November – no hurricanes. Thank God. Thank Charlie.”
51:02 – Seth says he still thinks about the TWIF segment. He saw a girl got arrested for making and selling meth in Florida, and her name was Crystal Beth Williams.
6:01 – Police in Ocala, Fla., arrested 41-year-old Venus Lewis after she got drunk at a youth football game and chased 2 underage boys around threatening to fuck them. She took off her pants at a picnic table in front of two other boys and inserted a tampon in her vagina. When other boys ran over to see what was going on, she tried to grab one of their dicks and was then arrested.
32:58 – Seth saw a mugshot on The Smoking Game of a dude who had a tat on his chest of the outline of the eastern seaboard and Florida with Florida as a gun, and it said WELCOME TO FLAWDA. THIS AIN’T NO TOURIST ATTRACTION.
2:58 – James Bain, 54, spent the last 35 years in a Florida state prison for the kidnapping and rape of a 13-year-old boy. He was locked away at 19 years old and was just exonerated of the crime with DNA. He never admitted to the crime. After getting out he said he wasn’t angry because he found God. He also is facing a possible winning lawsuit in the range of $1.75 million.
30:23 – A South Florida child abuse prevention group is trying to ban The Who from performing at halftime of the Super Bowl in Miami in February 2010 because of guitarist Pete Townshend’s arrest in 2003 on suspicion of possessing child pornography. NFL officials said he was not charged, only “cautioned,” and the sex registry list he was on expired in 2008. Townshend claims he was only doing “research.”
8:15 – A company in Florida has developed a device to pinpoint the location of every towel, sheet and pillowcase in a hotel anywhere in their stock, including also being able to trace how many times it’s been washed. The linen tracker is a thumb-sized radio frequency ID tag sewn into the fabric. It keeps precise inventory and can be read from 20 feet away.
49:48 – Some 15-year-old kid in Florida went crazy. He was going out with a 13-year-old and her friend texted him to tell him he was too old for her. So he rode his bike over to her school and waited for her to get off the bus and beat her unconscious. The authorities called it “text rage.”
48:46 – Police in Florida arrested a man, Terry Scott Hyder. They say he frequented Alzheimer’s and dymentia support groups, where he would befriend elderly women who had a sick spouse. He would bring snacks to the group and sit next to them and convince them he could help them to protect their life savings if they bought his bogus tax certificates. He made somewhere in the region of $500,000 in Florida and North Carolina.
30:52 – The City Council of Oakland Park, Fla. – a suburb of Fort Lauderdale with a population of 42,000 people – have tentatively approved an ordinance that anyone who responds to a beggar with money or an article of value would face a fine of $50 to $100 and as many as 90 days in jail when they’re in their vehicles in traffic. It’s modeled after a law in Gainesville, Fla.
56:39 – We need to annex Florida for ourselves.
26:44 – Jacksonville Jaguars football player Kassim Osgood, 30, was watching TV at the home of a 19-year-old Jacksonville Jaguars cheerleader named Mackenzie Putnal. The 20-year-old ex-boyfriend of Putnal, whom she has a restraining order against, kicks down the door of the rec room that they’re casually watching TV in with a plastic bag on his head, and begins to pistol-whip both her and the football player while yelling “I can’t believe you’re with this guy!” He put a gun to her head and said, “What did that football player say to his girlfriend? ‘It’s a good day to die.’” He was referencing a college player who texted his girlfriend “It’s time to die.” As the ex-boyfriend is doing this, Osgood manages to get out of the room and put a chair under the door handle, then jumps in his underwear out of a second-story window and runs down the street. She manages to get out of the room, runs downstairs and grabs a laser-sighted pistol and begins exchanging gunfire with her ex-boyfriend in her house. He manages to escape, she calls the police and they go to his house and arrest him. Putnal is studying to be a dental hygienist.
44:34 – Jah doesn’t want to joke about babies, because he’s pissed about the Jacksonville woman who shook her baby to death because the baby interrupted her while she was playing Farmville. Jah immediately started judging his friends who played Farmville because of this.
17:56 – According to a new study, dudes who get broken up with in Florida get wicked volatile.
40:51 – A man hit a woman in the face because she would not talk to him at a bar. This is a 21-year-old man. He was arrested and charged with battery at AJ’s Seafood and Oyster Bar on April 9. Two men allegedly became belligerent when a woman and her friends would not talk to them around 2:20 a.m. According to an arrest report from the Ocalusa County Sheriff’s Office, the 21-year-old became so angry that he struck the woman in the face. The woman had minor bruising and swelling on her chin. The man was charged with a first-degree misdemeanor for battery.
34:15 – Hundreds of thousands of drivers rumble over Florida’s roadways each day. Horns blare and cars collide. Less obvious are the unlicensed drivers among them. In Florida, a state that has about 15.5 million legal drivers, there are 2.2 million people currently with suspended or revoked licenses. Many get on the road anyway. Nationally, about 1 in 10 motorists drive illegally.
17:58 – In Florida, a crack user featured on NatGeo’s Drugs Inc. can’t be thwarted because the cops couldn’t bust down his door, which was tornado-regulated. By the time they got in, he had flushed all his coke down the toilet.
56:04 – A 24-person hot-air balloon debuted this week in central Florida. It’s the United States’ largest hot-air balloon. It stands about 11 stories high and stretches 90 feet wide when fully inflated and holds 24 passengers in a 1,600-pound basket. It was custom-made in Spain. There’s a sunrise ride that includes a champagne breakfast, inflation and packing time and about an hour-long flight.