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42:17 – Parade magazine’s “What If?” section with Marilyn vos Savant prompts some crazy stupid answers: I wrote, “Jerry Seinfeld co-created the television series Seinfeld. But what if he had starred in Desperate Housewives?” Here are your answers. Janet Duckworth of Evansville, Ind.: “He’d have to keep his front door locked.” … Keith Edmundson of Mount Prospect, Ill.: “The characters would probably only talk about sex.” … Mike Bellman of Columbia, Mo.: “Every time he walked into the bedroom he’d be saying, ‘What’s up with that?’”
48:48 – Seth reads some more Parade magazine’s “What Ifs?” from Marilyn vos Savant (Episode 063, 42:17). I wrote, “The Beatles began singing as a pop band in Liverpool, but what if they had started out as singing gondoliers instead?” Here are some of your answers. Conrad Neiman of Sumter, S.C.: “With all of their fans, Venice would have sunk by 1970.” … Marsha Fitzpatrick of Blythesville, Ark.: “An early hit of theirs would have been I Saw Her Floating There.” … Susie Hale of Bedford, Texas: “Beatles? No, they would have called themselves The Waterbugs.” Another one from vos Savant: I wrote, Larry King interviews the famous as well as the notorious, but what if he was a high school guidance counselor instead? Here are some of your answers. Kathy Burnwhite: “Well some of his ex-wives would have been a lot younger.” … Joanie Halpin of Allen, Texas: “You couldn’t tell him your problem without being interrupted.” … Anne Espramer of Marquette, Mich.: “Instead of making suggestions, all he’d say is, ‘So where do you go from here?’” … Last but not least, people send in questions to Parade.com and get answer. Question: “Last year, months in advance, you correctly predicted that Helen Mirren and Forest Whitaker would win Oscars. Who are your picks this year?” Answer: “Well, no actress has emerged as a slam-dunk, but we’re ready to predict that John Travolta will win as Best Actor for his portrayal of Edna Turnblad in Hairspray.”
21:17 – More Parade magazine “What Ifs?” from Marilyn vos Savant. I wrote, “Tom Cruise is a moviestar who champions Scientology. But what if he championed girl scouting instead?” Here are some of your answers. Rhonda Wilson of Peabody, Mass.: “He’d proclaim that Thin Mints would cure depression. OK, maybe this time he’d be right.” … Tom Moore of Everett, Wash.: “The next Mission: Impossible would be about surviving a two-week camping trip with a dozen teenage girls.” … Tracy Coogle of Richmond, Va.: “Well, we’d have a much easier time recruiting leaders.” … Jonathan Preston Larroquette of Park La Brea, Calif.: “You wouldn’t have to worry about him fucking them,” and “You wouldn’t have to worry about any inappropriate activities with your scout leader.” … Another topic, entitled “What Would You Say?”: I wrote, “The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” Here’s what you’d say. Paula Davis of Rangely, Colo.: “The grass is always greener where the water bill is higher.” Sharon Tudel of Carlsbad, Calif.: “The grass is always greener when you’re wearing white slacks.” Gary LeBlanc of Moss Point, Miss.: “The grass is always greener on the fertilizer package.” Jonathan Preston Larroquette of Bel-Air, Calif.: “The grass is always greener, but you still have to mow it.”
8:12 – More Parade magazine “What Ifs?” Jonathan questions whether these are current, because every time Seth reads one of them it feels like a throwback to the late ‘70s. Marilyn vos Savant: I wrote, “Rush Limbaugh is a popular radio talk show host. But, what if he were a Supreme Court justice instead?” Here are some of your answers. Phil Lustry of Modesto, Calif.: “The tabloid headlines would read RUSH TO JUSTICE.” … Tranh Truong of Arlington, Texas: “Clarence Thomas would look like a liberal.” … Nancy Dickey of Wildwood, Mo.: “Deciding what’s ‘right’ would take on a whole new meaning.” … Jonathan can’t believe no one poked fun at Limbaugh’s oxycontin habit. He claims he has no idea what a Parade magazine is, but he does know what a Hit Parader is.
48:44 – “What Would You Say?” from Parade magazine’s Marilyn vos Savant: An English proverb says, “Live every day as though it were your last.” Here’s what’d you’d say. Kevin O’Neal of Hoffman Estates, Ill.: “Live every day as though it will be shown on YouTube.” … Jua Smith of Anaheim, Ca.: “Live every day as though you’re having a good hair day.” … Rick Wright of Atlanta, Ga.: “Live every day as though your therapy will actually work.”
15:44 – Seth covers his Parade magazine “What Ifs…” from Marilyn vos Savant: Joseph Conrad wrote, “He who never made a mistake never made anything.” Here’s what you’d say. John Metz of Fort Worth, Texas: “He who never made a mistake should keep that to himself.” … Cindy Lindsay of Marietta, Ga.: “He who never made a mistake never took algebra.” … Julie Dostile of Oneonta, N.Y.: “He who never made a mistake will make an excellent ex-husband.”
37:10 – More Parade magazine “What Would You Say….” from Marilyn vos Savant: Henry Parker wrote, “The bigger they are, the harder they fall.” Here’s what you’d say. Bill Kelly of Mechanicsburg, Pa.: “The bigger they are, the older the fish story.” … Christine Newhouse of Central Square, N.Y.: “The bigger they are, the more likely they’re fake.” Seth says we’ll be back next time with A French proverb says, “The best things come in small packages.” What would you say? Fill in the blank with one or more words: “The best things _______.”
8:21 – Seth rattles off a few Parade magazine “What Would You Say?” from Marilyn vos Savant: A French proverb says, “The best things come in small packages.” Here’s what you’d say. Sylvia Chapelle of Lakeside, Ohio: “The best things go on sale the day after you buy one.” … Paul Agathin of Washington, Mo.: “The best things come with no assembly required.” … Dallas Heckman of Allentown, Pa.: “The best things now belong to my former spouse.” … Jonathan still claims to have never seen a Parade magazine in the flesh.
12:05 – Seth dips back into Parade magazine, this time with the Q&A section. One from Jeanette Gentry of Anderson, Indiana: “Why hasn’t Danny Glover been awarded an Oscar?”
20:08 – Chris Wariner of Greensboro, N.C., writes into Parade magazine’s Q&A section: “Hey I read that Kid Rock was hospitalized in England. Should I be concerned about his health?”
33:00 – Seth dips back in to some Parade magazine Q&A where people randomly write in questions and Parade answers: Lisa Jensen of Casper, Wyo: “I heard that Mindfreak daredevil Criss Angel died doing a stunt. True?” Answer: “False. The tattooed illusionist emerged from a recent stunt on his A&E series with serious scrapes and bruises, but it is true that his Angel feels like he has died and gone to heaven. He’s dating Holly Madison, one of Hugh Hefner’s stunning former girls next door.” Another question: “Settle this bet between my husband and I – I say that Spencer Tracy was in 30 movies. My husband says he was in 60. Tell us who wins the bet?” Another question: “What’s the story with Paris Hilton? Her behavior seems so unsavory?”
2:56 – Seth dips back into Parade magazine Q&A, and Kaitlynn Hoop of Wyoming, Mich., sent in this question: “Bones star David Boreanaz has a tattoo on his right wrist. What does it mean?” The answer: “Actually, Kaitlynn, Boreanaz has tattoos on both wrists. Like many young actors, he chose Japanese Kanji ideographs. In this case, one says soul, the other says destiny. By the way, other celebrities fond of Japanese Kanji characters include singers Pink, Kelly Clarkson, Janet Jackson and Britney Spears.”
26:10 – Parade magazine letters: Linda Palubicky of Winona, Minn., asks: “Who’s the cute curly-haired singer in those FreeCreditReport.com commercials?” The answer: “Well, judging from all the female reader response, French Canadian actor Eric Violette has already won many fans. The 27-year-old bachelor tells us ‘Being known in America but not Quebec helps me to keep my feet on the ground.’”
43:34 – Parade magazine Q&A submissions: Duane Wilder of Denison, TX, asks: “How is Robin Williams recovering from his recent open-heart surgery?” They went right to Robin Williams, who said “I can’t wait to get back on the road and resume my comedy tour. I’m thinking the next leg could be called ‘Weapons of Self-Destruction and Reconstruction.’ I got some great new material.”
5:17 – Newsweek questions. Adrian Wood of Baton Rouge, La., to Larry King: “Larry, how many pairs of suspenders do you have?” Larry King: “Never counted them. But my guess would be—there are suspenders in New York, in Washington and of course in my home at Los Angeles—150. But they can’t be clip-ons. Every pair of pants I buy—jeans, anything—we sew in the suspender buttons.”
8:53 – Seth gives some Parade magazine Q&A. J.T. from Mesquite, Texas: “Who’s the guy with Sandra Bullock in the ads for The Proposal?” Jah can’t comprehend the amount of time wasted composing that letter and mailing it in when he could have used something called a search engine.
52:19 – Richard Chogyoji of California wrote into PARADE magazine: “Monica Potter was so engaging in Patch Adams but I haven’t seen her in recent films. Why?”
11:40 – Ruth T. of Columbus, Ohio writes into Walter Scott’s Personality Parade in PARADE magazine: “Tyra Banks often dances on her show. Does she know what she’s doing?”
21:25 – PARADE magazine features a question from Gallagher in Madison, Wisc.: “What is child star Jonathan Taylor Thomas up to? Does he still act? Is he gay?” Seth tries to corroborate the rumor that JTT is gay, so he goes to a gay blog and reads a comment that says “People with short left index fingers date women and people with short right index fingers date men.” Seth fears that he is gay because his right one is shorter, while Jah’s are the same size. Jah wonders if he is bi.
10:14 – PARADE magazine features a question from Cynthia Arr of Seattle, Wash.: “I love Jessica Szohr, who plays Gossip Girl’s Vanessa. What’s coming up for her on the show?” Jessica Szohr responds, “I always get into trouble because I say too much. But there is something kind of fun and crazy in the offing.” In response to another question about seeing her on the big screen: “Well, Piranha 3D will be coming out in April 2010. I was in Arizona shooting it. We had to pretend piranhas were attacking us when there were no piranhas actually there.”
19:07 – PARADE magazine answers reader questions: Don Buyington of West Greenwich, R.I., asks “Who’s the announcer for Saturday Night Live? Has it always been the same person?” Seth then gives us a synopsis: Except for one season, 1981-82, it’s been the great Don Pardo (91). He began his career in radio in the 30s and worked his way up to be NBC’s top game show announcer and started with the first season of SNL and has been there the entire run. He lives in Tucscon, Ariz., and flies to New York every weekend to do the show in the studio.
5:41 – PARADE magazine answers the reader question: Jim Davis of Mesa, Ariz.: “Some late night hosts have joked that O.J. Simpson is counseling his fellow prisoners on anger management?” The answer: “He’s not doing counseling specifically,” says Simpson’s promoter and movie producing partner Norman Pardo. “What he’s doing is he meets people who maybe don’t like whites and he tries to get them to like each other. He just wants to be peaceful and he wants everyone to stop fighting.” Seth thinks this is a little crazy since he killed a couple of whites.
27:15 – A question that appeared in Los Angeles magazine in a section called “Ask Chris”: Q: “On Saturdays, the elevators at Cedars Sinai Medical Center stop at every floor? Why?” A: “Because Moses said so. In the book of Exodus, the prophet orders the people of Israel to do no work on the Sabbath, including kindling of fires. Early in the last century, Jewish religious ordered that the opening of an electrical circuit, for example pressing an elevator button, was akin to setting a fire, and forbade it. Hence the Shabat Elevators at Cedars, which are wired to stop at every floor on Saturdays. All patients are given a card that outlines the hospital’s religious practices: an awning over the morgue for Kohen Jews, electric candles, a kosher kitchen and even an in-house imam priest and rabbai.
20:01 – PARADE magazine answers the reader question: Trish Emerson of Houston, Texas: “Paranormal Activity scared the wits out of me. It said it was a true story – is it? The answer, from filmmaker Oren Peli: “Well, after I moved to a new house with my girlfriend, we heard things at night, which started me thinking about the idea of setting up a video camera and letting it run while you’re asleep. How scary would it be to go through the footage and see something happening that shouldn’t be happening?”
33:29 – Although the US mint spends 1.4 cents to make a penny, 42% of PARADE magazine readers say they’re not giving up their pennies. Among the comments: “I can’t imagine how I could count to 10 without first starting at 1.” … “How could I buy anything for $19.99?” Seth thinks pennies are bad luck, but Marcia thinks they’re good luck if you find one facing head’s-up.
1:54 – Seth jumps into some Ask Marilyn by Marilyn vos Savant in PARADE magazine: Rob Farber from Paoli, Pa., asks: “Why is life so hard?” Seth says that if anyone knows Rob Farber, have him call 888-842-2357 to Ask Seth vos Savant.
5:50 – Seth read The Playboy Adviser in his Playboy magazine. DN from Cleveland, Tenn., writes: “My husband is in the National Guard and deploying to Iraq again. I want to buy pocket pussies for his unit as parting gifts. Can you suggest a brand that’s not too expensive because I’ll need 37?” The Playboy Adviser says, “That’s a generous gift, but are you sure the other women saying goodbye are cool with your distributing masturbation sleeves?”
41:38 – Seth reads some Ask Amy from the Los Angeles Times: “Dear Amy, My mother gets her hair done at a very expensive salon and as a surprise offered to pay for me to have my hair done there by her stylist. I went there without my mom and the stylist was very flirty. At the end of my appointment he asked for my number. He’s 24. I’m 17. Mistake No. 1? I love the attention so I wrote my phone number on his tip. When he actually called that night and asked me to meet him at a party in the city, I was totally taken aback and I told him I was busy. He asked me to call him this weekend to set something else up. I’m freaking out because I have absolutely no desire to ever go out with a man seven years older. I can’t tell my mom because he does her hair. I can never go back there. I have no idea how to handle the mess I made. Signed, Flirting Failure.” The response from Amy: “Dear Flirting, We moms really don’t like it when trusted adults hit on our daughters. I realize that many women absolutely love their hair stylist but we love our daughters more. You can assume your mother will deal with him directly. If this guy calls, tell him, ‘I’m sorry, I don’t know what I was thinking. You’re way too old for me. I only go out with guys my age.’ The ‘way too old for me’ line will give this obnoxious guy something to think about.”
50:09 – Steven Caden of Los Angeles writes into the Los Angeles Times after their report on 3D: “After reading your critical take on 3D, for better or for worse, I wish you could expose Real-D. It can literally ruin a movie. When the writer described Clash of the Titans as ‘gray and colorless,’ that is what I saw at the Bridge when I saw Avatar in Real-D. I have seen Avatar in five different technologies. I’ve done extensive reading about each.”
13:27 – Don D. of Mobile, Ala., writes in a question to PARADE Magazine: “I heard that Nicolas Cage and Richard Gere are brothers. True?”
11:55 – Seth was reading PARADE Magazine’s Walter Scott’s Personality Parade. Joel Weckerly of Cypress, Texas, writes in: “One of my favorite actors, John Larroquette, was on The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson wearing a t-shirt reading ‘Uhh Yeah Dude.’ What did it mean?” PARADE went to John (maybe) for an answer: “Uhh Yeah Dude is a podcast that my son Jonathan co-writes,” says the actor, 62. “The subtitle is ‘A Look at America through the eyes of two American Americans.’ They have segments like ‘Who’s Parenting Harder?’ where they tell horrible stories about what parents do to their children.” Seth thinks a bunch of Bill O’Reilly patriots will dip in to check out these Americans to see what they’re up to, then be mortified to learn they’re talking about bags of dicks. Jonathan says this can’t be a quote from his father because he knows that they don’t write the show, so he wouldn’t say “co-writes.” Jah says he will certainly find out if his dad really responded. … Dan Krause of Thousand Oaks, Calif., then writes: “Is cyclist Lance Armstrong the son of astronaut Neil Armstrong?”
17:07 – In the July issue of Playboy, M.C. from Providence, R.I., writes into the Playboy Adviser with a question: “I watched a movie in which the ‘Double Dutch’ sex act is described. Two men face each other and grab their own erections. Using his free hand, each man grabs the forehand of the other and moves it back and forth to jerk him off. Is that gay?”
17:25 – Walter Scott’s Personality Parade in PARADE Magazine. Tom Adams in San Diego, Calif., writes: “I heard that Will Ferrell went to USC to become a sports reporter. What happened?” The answer: “I love sports, but it was more fun being funny,” says the actor, 43, currently starring opposite Mark Wahlberg in The Other Guys. “I would call dorms pretending to be from the maintenance office and say, ‘There’s been a chemical spill! Stay in your room!’ or I’d stand outside the cafeteria and yell, ‘The health department has just advised, Do not eat the fish!’”
18:52 – Anita Kelly of St. Louis, Mo., has a question for Walter Scott’s Personality Parade in PARADE Magazine: “Is it true that Joey Lawrence wrote the theme for his ABC Family show, Melissa and Joey?” The answer: “Yes, a bunch of people submitted songs, but ‘Stuck With Me’ won,” says Joey Lawrence. “I did a full remix of it that’s going to be on my new record. I had a really successful album. I never did it again but music is what first inspired me before acting.”
8:13 – Walter Scott’s Personality Parade. Question from C. Holt in Atlanta, Ga.: “Watching a sad movie the other day, I wondered, ‘Is it difficult for performers to see themselves or their spouses in dangerous or tragic situations on screen?’” Answer from Nicole Kidman: “You know, it can be. When we saw Rabbit Hole together, Keith wept. He was totally in shock. He said, ‘It broke my heart.’ Later he just wanted to talk and talk and talk about it. But I love being able to go to those dark places. I didn’t become an actress just to play the girl next door.”
25:25 – Seth reads from the February 2010 Playboy Advisor. T.C. from San Francisco, Calif., writes: “A number of girlfriends have asked me how I lost my virginity and I’ve never known what to say because it happened during a gangbang. I was drinking with five guys and a girl. We all knew our female friend turned into a horndog when she got drunk and one thing led to another. We had a rotation going for about two hours. We weren’t greedy but she was. Looking back I remember it being a lot of fun. There were no hard feelings or regrets from anyone involved. But what should I tell people?” The answer goes: “Why not tell the truth? You got drunk with a friend with a party. The sex was fun and you’re still friends. Having five guys share the experience is unusual, but not an essential detail in casual conversation.”
6:04 – Parade featured a poll, “Do you lie to your doctor about your lifestyle?” 75% of people said no and 25% said yes.
12:50 – “Dear Liz, I read an article in which you recommended getting rid of cell phone insurance. Why?” Answer: “You shouldn’t use insurance to cover costs that you could easily pay out-of-pocket. And if you can’t afford to replace your phone out-of-pocket, you’re spending too much on your phone. Insurance is best used to protect against catastrophic expenses, not minor costs. When you use insurance to cover incidental expenses, you typically pay too much for the coverage, and that’s particularly true for cell phone insurance, which is ridiculously expensive for the protection you get – plus cell phone coverage is notorious for loopholes and exclusions that make it tough to make a claim if your phone is lost, stolen or destroyed.”
45:28 – Parade magazine poses a question about etiquette. Q: “Someone in my office wears low-cut tops that are inappropriate for work. I don’t know where to look when I talk to her. Advice?” A: “Well you could crank up the A/C. But if you don’t want to force your colleagues to work in a meat locker. The best solution, says Beverly Weinstein, a recruiter and the president of Markham Media, is to have a ‘senior female executive’ take the woman aside and gently talk to her about what works for an office environment. There’s no need for conversation to be accusatory. It should be along the lines of, ‘Listen, it’s natural for people to stare at nice-looking figures, but you don’t want to be distracting.’ To avoid any potential misunderstanding, it’s important that a woman exec give the talk – not a man.”
17:57 – The June issue of Playboy featured more from The Playboy Advisor. M.R. from Toledo, Ohio writes: “I keep having a dream about having sex with my mom. Is this normal?”
19:13 – Seth read Walter Scott’s Personality Parade. Lucy Liu, a voice in Kung Fu Panda, was speaking: “Yeah, we get asked a lot about a third Charlie’s movie.
32:17 – K.T. from Indianapolis, Ind., writes into the Playboy Advisor with a question: “Please take this question seriously. Can you have sex with a ghost?” Jonathan answers, “Yes.”
1:05:17 – Los Angeles Times Sunday real estate section question: “I separated from my husband 6 months ago. I rented an apartment a couple months back so I could live in peace, but my husband keeps stalking me, keeps threatening me. The police were called the first time and tried to calm the situation, but when he showed up again a week later I had to obtain a restraining order. The resident manager has told me I need to leave before the end of the month because the owner doesn’t want to upset the other tenants with my domestic problems. I can’t find another place by the end of the month. I’m afraid I’ll end up living on the street. What can I do?” The answer: “The situation you described qualifies you for protection under a new state law. California Code Civil Procedures Section 1161.3. This law prohibits terminating the tendency of a victim of domestic violence if the domestic violence has been documented by a police report within the last 180 days or has resulted in a restraining order. Domestic violence covered by this state statute includes stalking. Because you have both a police report and a restraining order, you should be protected from eviction by this statute. You have the right to request that your landlord change the locks to your unit to ensure your husband cannot get in. If your landlord does not change the locks as requested within 24 hours you may change the locks yourself as long as you do so in a workmanlike manner and give the landlord a copy of the new key. The law does allow the landlord to evict you if you voluntarily allow your husband into your unit or if your husband is a danger to the other units around you.”
2:54 – Los Angeles magazine has a column called “Ask Chris” for those who have a burning question about life in L.A. Question: “What happens to dead animals on the road?” Answer: “The Bureau of Sanitation has a specially-trained crew that not only picks up roadkill but will come to your house and pick up deceased household pets free of charge – no horses or cows. They are then taken to the West Coast Rendering Factory in Vernon, Calif. The County of Los Angeles pays $1 per animal and they are stored in silos until they are processed for fish food.”
35:06 – The LA Times Health section has a column called “Ask a Doctor.” Question: “My father had a second-degree burn over the entire top of his foot caused by spilling coffee. I applied soy sauce followed by soaking in ice water. By the next morning the pain was largely gone but the doctor who saw him predicted that it would turn black. When that had not happened two weeks later he asked what I had done to get such a result.” The Doctor says … “Soy sauce works very well for minor burns, but a severe burn deserves immediate medical attention. We are glad, though, that your father healed so well. Others tell us that cold yellow mustard can help a minor burn after liberal applications of cold water. Nevertheless we repeat, a serious burn like your husband’s calls for immediate medical attention.”
13:09 – The August issue of Wired magazine has a column called “Dear Mr. Know-It-All.” Q: “Dear Mr. Know-It-All, I’m an OB/GYN. When I used a surgically-removed uterus as my profile pic on Facebook, Facebook banned me. Um, it’s an organ – not porn! Is Facebook in the wrong?”
3:32 – From the Los Angeles Times Travel section, there is a segment called “On The Spot with Catharine Hamm.” There was a column called “Enjoy Your New Seat” that basically told the readers an airline can reassign a confirmed seat to allow passengers with children to sit together.
36:25 – Ask Amy in the Chicago Tribune. ‘Confused’ writes in: “My 16-year-old daughter received an invitation to another 16-year-old’s baby shower. I was shocked to say the least. I don’t want to allow my daughter to attend. While I admire the teen’s mother, who’s also single, for supporting her child in her unwed pregnancy, I don’t believe throwing a baby shower for her age and inviting her school-aged underaged friends is any way appropriate. I don’t feel a celebration is in order. Am I just getting too old?” The advice was something along the lines of, “Talk to your teen.”
38:05 – ‘Frightened’ writes in: “Dear Amy, I just learned that the co-worker sitting next to me is on the registered sex offender list for abducting a 13-year-old girl. I’m very uncomfortable working next to him, not to mention that I’ve had to travel to various locations alone with him in a car. No one in the office was ever notified of his record. Is this legal?”
57:42 – “Dear Amy, My husband’s ex-wife continues to telephone, text and e-mail him even after he asked her many times not to. She walked out on the family 10 years ago and until I came into the family she had his ear on ‘kid problems.’ Those kids are now grown, they’re married and have children of their own. He doesn’t feel the need to discuss anything with her, yet she continues to pester him. We’ve been married for a year and a half. I sense the ‘I don’t want him, but I don’t want anyone else to have him either’ thing going on. The children deal with him on their own terms. I think she has told them that I won’t let him communicate with her and I am the reason he can’t be civil to her. Should I speak to her myself? What can my husband do? He’s made it clear he wants nothing to do with her.” Amy replies accusingly toward the writer.
3:50 – People sometimes write into Ask Amy, but Seth doesn’t like that anymore. He wants to Ask Jonathan: “My son and his new girlfriend came to visit and stayed with us for a few days. She’s a nice woman but looks unwell. She never finishes her meals but loves sweets and always hits the bathroom after the meal. Actually she seems to make frequent bathroom trips all day. I think she may be bulemic. Should I mention something about this to my son?” ~ Conflicted. Amy’s answer was once again more accusatory than helpful.
46:25 – Ask Amy / Ask Jah answers a question from Helpful Grandma: “I am fortunate to have 5 wonderful grandchildren. These young people are successful and kind and I love them dearly, however this Facebook thing is causing me distress. Sometimes my grandchildren post pictures that are just plain gross and it pains me when I see photos they’ve posted showing them with tongues hanging out or drinks in hand, wearing inappropriate attire and worst of all, giving the middle finger salute. Yuck! I have commented on their tackiness on their Facebook pages, but it doesn’t seem to change their behavior. In face, one of the girls seems to have blocked her profile from me. I feel this is disrespectful. Should I talk to them directly about their unseemly public behavior. How can I get them to change?”
29:43 – Ask Amy / Ask Jah: “My son married a gal from another country. When I get together with her family, they don’t speak English. I feel they are speaking about me and I don’t like it. I’m a widow. In the past I’ve sat on my own in the living room with a magazine but this holiday season I’m thinking of even staying home. They’re nice people, but this is America and here we speak English. My grandparents came from another country but they spoke English in the home. Do you have any suggestions on what do do? Sincerely, Lost in Translation”
12:22 – Ask Amy / Ask Jah answers a question from Baffled Boyfriend: “A few months ago while my girlfriend and I were having a particularly tough time, I posted two ads on a website asking if anyone was interested in getting together for drinks. I didn’t receive any real replies nor did I respond to anyone. We worked out our issues and we moved on. Then she found copies of the ads I had posted in my outbox. She was heartbroken and spent a month away from my apartment and didn’t return my calls – basically acted like I didn’t exist. Two months later we continued with our lives, but she continues to bring this up. When I ask her to forgive me, am I asking her too much?” Jah doesn’t think he’s asking too much unless he’s not being entirely clear about the nature of the ads.
10:01 - Ask Amy / Ask Jah. 'Stunned' writes: "Our 11-year-old daughter recently attended her first sleepover, a birthday celebration for her friend Sandi. Before the event, my husband and I met and talked with Sandi's parents, learned about the other residents of the home and conducted a sex offender search online to determine that no sexual predators lived in the area. The kids had a great time. Then our daughter reported that she and Sandi got to sit in the trunk of the parents' car when all 6 girls went out to an entertainment venue. The mom drove the girls in the family SUV - one of the two cars they owned - and because only 4 kids can fit in the seats, Sandi and our daughter sat in the way back area without seatbelts facing the roadway. We've explained how dangerous this was and said if it happens again she should call us and we will happily drive her to her destination. I am seething. I keep picturing my daughter in the back of an SUV, happily waving to other drivers. Any one of them could've easily rear-ended the vehicle and crushed her to death. I'm not sure how to speak to these parents about this without creating a scene. What do you think?" … Jah thinks she's a crazy bitch.
22:34 - T.R. from Omaha, Neb., writes in to the Playboy Adviser: "Please settle a bet - what's the correct way to pronounce C-L-I-T-O-R-I-S? My girlfriend says it should be cli-TOR-us, and I say that's it CLIT-uh-rus.
44:35 – Ask Amy / Ask Jah: “I nanny for two wonderful boys, ages 5 and 8. Their parents have a date night each Friday and allow me to take the boys to college hockey games on these nights. With season tickets, we sit in the same spot every time. So do the people directly around us. Directly behind us, there are a couple of middle-aged men who are very passionate about their hockey team. This passion often involves swear words. I’m worried for the boys, who have gotten in trouble for swearing, but I also understand how people behave at sporting events. Do I have any right to ask the men to watch what they say?” Jah says yes, absolutely.
37:49 – “Dear Amy / Dear Jah-Jah: I have a half-sister. She was offended by something one of my adult children supposedly did to her. She got all bent out of shape and refused to celebrate birthdays and holidays with us anymore – no gifts, no cards. We are not taking this too lightly. I’ve always known she was a little shady. She has, on more than one occasion, helped herself to pens and post-it notes from her workplace. Since she felt that my family and I are no longer good enough to be with her on her Christmas list, I took it upon myself to let her bosses at work know why their office supplies may be dwindling. In turn, she was reprimanded at her job, which cost her a couple of days’ pay and a letter in her personnel file. I also let the IRS know she may not have been reporting all the waitress tips she earned while she worked at a restaurant. Since other family members learned of my tattling, they’ve shunned me. She’s the criminal, not I. So Amy, what do you think? Am I some kind of evil person? To paraphrase Seinfeld’s George Costanza, ‘Was I wrong?’” Jah gets a panic attack from this scenario.
41:05 – “Dear Jah-Jah, I’m a junior in high school. My sister Martha just started college at a nearby university so I see her quite often. Since she started school, she has had a string of boyfriends. Her relationship with our mom isn’t that great, so mom usually relies on me for information on her and her boyfriends. My sister started dating Leon, and she’s in love. The problem is that he is Latino and our mother is racist. I met Leon and he’s a good guy. Our mom hasn’t given him a fair chance and won’t even meet him. My dad stays out of conflcits so I’m stuck in the middle. How can I convince my mom to accept or at least get to know Leon, and how can I convince Martha to talk to my mom again? ~ Upset Sister” Jah wants to know what to do about a Latin man named Leon.
9:14 – “Confused” writes to Ask Amy / Ask Jah-Jah: “My ex recently asked out one of my closest friends. He talks to me daily asking me for advice about her and has frequently said that he values my advice the most. I’m confused about what his intentions are and am confused about our so-called friendship.”
12:42 – More Ask Amy / Ask Jah-Jah: “Three years ago when I started dating my husband, I asked him about kids and he said ‘I could never have kids.’ Then I asked about what would happen if I got pregnant, and he said we would raise the child together. At the time raising kids was not a priority for me so I brushed it aside. The problem is that once we got married five months ago, I realized all of a sudden that having a child is a huge priority for me and I was running out of time. I knew it was wrong but I would ‘accidentally on purpose’ skip days of my birth control, eventually ceasing to take the pills at all. I knew if we had a child my husband would grow to love it. The problem is that after months of this, we never conceived. A few weeks ago I finally decided to broach the topic again with my husband. I discovered that he had a vasectomy a year before we met. He swears that he’s mentioned it before but I know he hasn’t, and I feel sick knowing that he has kept something like this from me. I also feel trapped in my marriage, knowing that it will always be just the two of us. Should I get out now while I can and find a husband who wants a child, or will I outgrow this need?”
27:04 – “Dear Jah, I was divorced a year ago after 19 years of marriage. Like most divorces, it was very difficult. But my family has insisted on continuing a very close relationship with my ex. In fact, my sister and her family are taking a trip with my ex-husband, his new girlfriend and our new daughter. Among other things, I feel it’s far too soon to be taking my daughter on a trip with his new girlfriend. My family knows my feelings and knows this is extremely hurtful to me but they see nothing wrong with it. In fact, my mother said to me, ‘I don’t see the problem, you’re divorced.’ Am I missing something here?” Jah says yes, the family isn’t down with you.
5:47 – This was in the monthly Health section of the Los Angeles Times: “My doctor always washes his hands before an exam, but he never seems to wipe down his stethoscope. This makes me nervous. Should I ask about the stethoscope?” People’s Pharmacy says, “Stethoscopes can carry all sorts of nasty bacteria. We too wonder why doctors are so scrupulous about washing their hands and they seem less concerned about clearning their stethoscopes. We recently learned about a clever new device called ‘Clean Stethoscope’ that could make this process safer. After every exam, the provider slides the bell of the stethoscope into a holder that attaches magnetically to the shirt or white coat. The sponge insert is moistened with a disinfectant to kill germs and is replaced daily.”
7:21 – Ask Jah-Jah: “I work in a field that requires some travel and while traveling with the company owner 20 years my junior, she requires that I share a hotel room with her. She has no sense of personal boundaries. She’ll leave the bathroom door open while using the toilet and yell comments to me that not even my husband does this. She also parades around the room in her thong and tries to discuss her dating and/or sex life with me. I’m usually hiding under the covers at this point, claiming to be tired. When I asked for my own room recently, she said it wasn’t in the budget and she has to be careful with travel costs for the company. She also wants to share room service breakfasts. She’ll order one entrée for us to share and a pot of coffee. I made the in-room coffee and said that gave us a little extra room to work with and I’d like to get my own breakfast, but she said she did not like the in-room coffee. I would rather go out to a less-expensive coffee shop and order what I choose to eat, but I’m locked into her preferences. She once suggested I should stay with her brother when I travel to another city in order to save money. I refused. Oh, did I mention she bought a million-dollar home this year? I’m actively seeking other employment, but for now I’d really appreciate some advice.”
1:55 – Ask Amy / Ask Jah from a reader in Seattle: “My wife and I have a long history as professionals in our local health care community. I have mentored many younger professionals in my field, most of whom are women. Several have become dear friends to us, yet there have been several occasions when I’ve met these friends/colleagues for lunch and we’ve been approached by women who know me but not the person I’m dining with. These women seem to go out of their way to make statements like, ‘Oh hello, where’s your wife today?’ accompanied by a contemptuous ‘gotcha!’ expression. Some even look at me with disdain for my lunch companion. I find this behavior stupid and mean-spirited and I feel acutely for my companions in these situations who are subjected to an undeserved character assassination. My wife tells me that these women are simply projecting their insecurities. What do you think?”
55:27 – Ask Stacy / Ask Jah. Psychotherapist Stacy Kaiser, author of How to Be a Grown-Up, offers smart advice to readers with relationship problems in USA Today. This is the first in an occasional series. She believes in consideration, comfort and compromise. “Dear Stacy, Six months ago I started an e-mail flirtation with a former boyfriend. We dated in high school but now he lives in a different town. My husband’s a musician and works a lot. I was lonely. My husband found my computer open and read my chain of e-mails. He was devastated. I felt really bad. The e-mails weren’t sexual, just flirty, and I’ve apologized and ended the contact. I don’t even have the guy’s contact information anymore. My husband just keeps being mad. I keep saying I’m sorry and I wouldn’t have done it if you were home more. I love my husband and I want my marriage. My friends say time will heal it all. Do you agree? Is there anything I can do?”
26:13 – Ask Amy / Ask Jah. Traditional writes: “My wife and I are having a conversation about how our children, ages 6 and 4, should address adults. I maintain that our children should call adults by their last name, and my wife contends that they should call adults by the name they want to be called. I think it is confusing to young children and that parents should have the say and not someone else. I’m hoping you can settle this between me and her.”
27:08 – Ask Amy / Ask Jah. “This past weekend I attended a large cocktail party with a group of new friends. Some of the other guests were smoking marijuana and doing other illegal drugs. I recognized one of the drug users as an elementary teacher at my daughter’s school. Because this school is large, I doubt the teacher recognized me. My daughter is not in her class. When I asked my friends about what was going on, they informed me that not only was this teacher a heavy drug user, but also the supplier for the group. I would not want this person as my daughter’s teacher. I feel as if I should tell the school to do a random drug test, but with this economy I do not wish to facilitate anyone losing their job. What should I do?”