View Episode 199
Originally aired 01.04.10
1:04:32 – “2010 for life. Seatbelts”
6:26 – UYD: Huge dead dongs
9:33 – UYD: In-your-face burn session
21:21 – Uhh Yeah Dude: America through the eyes of two American Americans
7:58 – Seth watched Disorder In The Court, Part XI, which features people freaking out as they are declared guilty by juries and trying to attack the judges, etc.
8:42 – Seth informs us that Jerry Springer is still on TV. He watched an episode of it on KTLA at 11 a.m. At the end of it Jerry gives the crowd members the microphone, and they just throw out burns at the people on the panel.
13:38 – ABC, which canceled Adam Lambert’s performance on Good Morning America after he shared a same-sex kiss at the American Music Awards last month, made television history by airing the first-ever gay sex scene on the daytime soap opera One Life to Live. It features Oliver and Kyle sharing a tender moment post-coitus, spooning in a bed. It was tender, righteous and real. One of the actors, Scott Evans – younger brother of Chris Evans – is openly gay. The characters lit votives, and one asked the other, “Will it always be like this?” The other replied, “Always.”
15:15 – Good Morning America has replaced Sam Champion over the holidays with his younger, hunkier, gayer counterpart, Jeff Smith (Episode 193, 15:35).
43:01 – New show on TLC called The Imploders features the Kelly family, experts in building demolition, as they prep and execute incredibly intense, difficult, controlled destruction of American buildings.
44:49 – Monday night on ABC, a 1-hour special presentation, Conveyer Belt of Love: 5 women, 30 men, 1 conveyer belt. The men pass by on a slow speed doing their best to woo the women in less than a minute. One of them can choose you and pull you off the conveyer belt, but they can discard you and go on to a better choice if they see one. If more than 1 woman picks the same man, the man gets to pick the woman he wants. Seth wants to know what Jah’s game would be, but Jah doesn’t want to talk about it.
47:05 – Wednesday on CBS, the return of one of Seth’s favorite 2009 specials, I Get That A Lot, where they put real celebs in normal everyday jobs pretending to not be those celebs.
4:41 – Jah informs us that he drank a strawberry Muscle Milk – one of Seth’s favorite drinks – and gagged at a Chevron while pumping gas. He couldn’t get get the chalkdust flavor out of his mouth for 20 minutes. He also dipped back in with the Myoplex to get 42 grams of scientific protein, and described it as drinking “concentrated French vanilla animal mucus.”
2:05 – Seth thinks McDonald’s brings back the McRib during certain seasons to counteract Seasonal Affective Disorder (Episode 019, 36:41).
30:23 – A South Florida child abuse prevention group is trying to ban The Who from performing at halftime of the Super Bowl in Miami in February 2010 because of guitarist Pete Townshend’s arrest in 2003 on suspicion of possessing child pornography. NFL officials said he was not charged, only “cautioned,” and the sex registry list he was on expired in 2008. Townshend claims he was only doing “research.”
2:00 – The McRib is back (Episode 099, 26:38). Jah’s pal Dimitri is a fan of the McRib.
21:24 – Domino’s Pizza, the second-largest U.S. pizza chain behind Pizza Hut, has been developing a new recipe for its pizza. The new recipe features a garlic and parsley seasoned crust, sweeter tomato sauce and a blend of mozzerella and provolone cheeses.
32:07 – IN: Quitting coaches – they’ll help you quit smoking; it increases your chances of success by 62%.
16:37 – Tiger Woods and Macaulay Caulkin have been dating and have not been seen since they took a cruise on Tiger’s ship to Greece this summer.
4:01 – Seth took an Adderall vacation over the holidays just to get his levels back. He was on 80 mgs a day, and now he’s tapering back to 20 mgs twice a day.
12:22 – Seth spent New Year’s the same way he always does: he ran a bath, he lit some motives and he curled up with the Bible. Simple.
12:44 – Jah was in Denver, Colo., for New Year’s Eve doing a Jogger show. He said it was cold, but not as cold as Chicago was on Dec. 30.
32:57 – Seth has seen firsthand that it’s hard to quit smoking from a girl he works with. He twisted it on her on Monday morning at 11:00 a.m. He grabbed Misty cigarettes out of her hand, put them in her face and said, “Is this what the fuck your life has come to?” She started breaking down and talking about her friend’s aunt who died. Seth said, “You’re done,” then gave her one to go out and smoke. She went eight days without smoking. Seth kept the pack of cigarettes and was going to present it to her in a box wrapped up to say “We’ve done it!” He gets a phone call on that eighth day and can sense something in her voice. He doesn’t see her until the 14th day, presents the box and she puts her head down. He was disappointed because he thought he would do it.
34:25 – Jah agrees that quitting smoking is difficult, but also says that people who know it’s bad and do it anyway and are not aware of the contradiction are inexcusable. Jah says he smoked for a long time and it was a foregone conclusion that it wasn’t going to happen forever anyway. He’s now 32 and he’s been smoking two years longer than he never intended to, and he now realizes he’s dirty and supports a lot of dirty companies through his actions.
39:01 – When Seth sees Cinnamon Twists on the dessert menu of Taco Bell, he will ineveitably give in to them. He had to go to McDonald’s when his mother was in town to get her a grilled chicken Caesar salad, and the last time he had been there was when they had Cinnamon Melts (Episode 047, 0:13) and he lost himself there for a month with Naval vets. It was so hard for him to sit there for 12 seconds at the drive-thru seeing the way they drizzle the icing on the Cinnamon Melts.
42:24 – Seth got mail delivered that was addressed to “Uhh Yeah Dude,” and he shows the USPS employee his driver’s license, and they won’t give him the package because it doesn’t say “Uhh Yeah Dude” on his license. Jah thinks he will be disappointed if someone doesn’t change his/her name to “Uhh Yeah Dude” in 2010.
48:56 – Something happened while Jah and Amir were traveling back to LA from Denver. He left on Jan. 30, flew to Chicago and there was a bomb scare at LAX while they were there. They were trapped in their terminal, blockaded in a hallway by TSA members with every gate closed and every store’s doors down. They watched officials interrogate an Indian man with two boys in matching polo shirts crying. In Chicago, they got there really early and were waiting. He hears a loud voice going “motherfucker!,” looks over and sees a 5-foot tall, 40-something-year-old reddish-brown haired little piss-and-vinegar broad with the biggest duffel bag over her back. Her husband is standing there with a deer hunting baseball hat and a NASCAR zip-up jacket reading a magazine. Jah realizes there’s been some sort of travel cock-up. The husband is calmly telling her to settle down. Jah sees her wearing a white cable-knit sweater, and she has hiked it up around her neck like a giant shawl, and all she has on is a flesh-colored burkini-cut grandma bra while huffing and puffing. The husband walks over and asks what she’s doing, and she replies, “I’M HOT!” About 30 to 45 minutes over, Jah sees them sitting at a Mexican grill eating and drinking, so he assumes everything is fine again with them. Amir and Jah get on the plane and Jah is sitting bulkhead, and the redneck woman walks down the aisle and a square foil tablet falls out of her bag. He reaches down to pick it up and hand it back to her, and all of a sudden he sees a face and two hands in front of him, and she picks them up and looks at him and says, “I’ve got the drugs, MOTHAFUCKA!” while laughing hysterically and annihilated drunk. They sit directly behind Jah on the flight from Chicago to Denver, and makes a comment like, “Oh sorry, they’re only Tylenol PMs! Shit!” Jah hears her husband calmly saying to her, “Baby, they will kick you off this plane so fast…” and she’s still being belligerent. All of a sudden, one of the official managerial flight attendants walks down and asks her to come with them, deplanes both of them and takes their baggage off. She was standing up for 10 minutes trying to get out of the situation, but to no avail.
1:03:37 – Jah went into an Apple Store and saw girls hacking into other girls’ Facebook accounts
5:31 – According to the New York Post, two Washington Wizards basketball players, 27-year-old Gilbert Arenas, and 22-year-old Javaris Crittenton, pulled guns on each other in their locker room at the Verizon Center over a supposed gambling debt.
6:58 – The CDC is investigating a woman who was diagnosed with a rare gastrointestinal anthrax case. This may have occurred when she swallowed spores propelled into the air during a vigorous drum circle.
11:25 – There’s a rumor that the Avatar DVD release will contain an extended and detailed Na’vi sex scene. Jah hopes it’s Michele Rodriguez and Sigourney Weaver wearing a Stanford half-tank.
17:23 – PETA has named Tim Gunn and Ellen DeGeneres Man & Woman of the Year
18:39 – Construction continues at Ground Zero in Lower Manhattan at the new World Trade Center site. To accommodate all of the workers and to keep them from having to go down to street level to eat food, Subway has made a makeshift store in a huge shipping container that will now hang in the air, suspended from a giant crane, floor-by-floor as they work their way up the building, roughly 105 stories, by December 2011.
22:51 – New laws entering into the books: 1) In Illinois, drivers will no longer be able to text or e-mail while driving; 2) In Texas, teens will need two parents’ permissions for indoor tanning; 3) In California, it will be a misdemeanor for a person to sell or furnish products containing nitrous oxide to a minor.
28:00 – Police get a phone call at 4 a.m. about a loud radio being played at an apartment in Orange County. They send over a patrol car to the place of a man called Bayron Reyes Lopez, whose neighbors said he’s already jumped out of a third-story window to get away from police. He resurfaced a couple hours later, walked up to a woman walking her miniature schnauzer and picked it up and strangled and beat the dog in front of the woman. He then fled on foot to a nearby tennis club where he works as a maintenance man. Fellow employees said they saw him “run around naked.” When police got to the scene, he was lying on a tennis court pouring hot coffee over himself. One of the officers said, “He may have been under the influence of drugs.”
35:55 – Seth talked a lot of shit about Ben Bernanke being TIME Magazine’s Person of the Year (Episode 197, 26:07), but was also alterted by an astute young female listener that there are pictures of his office in the article, showing a mini fridge fully stocked with Diet Dr. Pepper and Diet Mt. Dew, so hie is back in good graces with Seth.
36:49 – The Taco Bell Drive-Thru Diet: “Resolutions are so 2009. We don’t do plain old resolutions here at Taco Bell. We do Frescolutions.”
40:25 – President Obama has signed an executive order that puts the USPS in charge of delivering whatever drugs America would need in case of a large-scale biological weapons attack.
48:12 – DirecTV is said to be announcing at next week’s Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas the very first 3DHD TV channel. They’re planning on bringing it out this year. It will require people to purchase a new 3D-compatible HDTV, 3D glasses and soon-to-be unveiled HDMI 1.4 adapters. DirecTV boxes will receive a firmware upgrade, so there’s no need to update them.
1:19 – Seth comments on how it’s weird to be recording their show on a Saturday night
1:54 – Jah wishes Seth a Happy New Year
15:56 – Jah has a theory that Tiger Woods is dead, which is why we haven’t seen him in public since his Thanksgiving domestic dispute.
27:06 – Seth asks if Angelina Jolie would leave Brad Pitt for Jah. Jah is flabbergasted at this question.
1:00:07 – Seth says they’re not sure what they’re going to do about Episode 200.
9:40 – New research in the January 2010 issue of the journal Microbiology says that new lab studies confirm a bacterium called “Pseudomonas aeruginosa” can adapt adapt and beat both disinfectants and the superdrug Cipro.
13:03 – In a study talking about the happiest states, Florida, “The Sunshine State,” was called the happiest.
55:56 – Researchers report in the January issue of the journal Sleep that adolescents who reported sleeping 5 or fewer hours per night were 71% more likely to be depressed and 48% more likely to have thoughts of committing suicide, compared to young people reporting 8 hours of sleep nighly.
57:18 – A survey of college cafeterias is finding that turkey, meatloaf and pho are topping the national list of favorite dishes. In the Midwest, carved roast beef and macaroni and cheese are very popular. In the southwest, fish tacos are popular. In the mid-atlantic, chicken pot pies are big.
11:50 – Seth rips on Avatar. He went to see it opening night in 3D IMAX in Burbank. He was the first one there.
13:14 – Seth and Jah blast people from cold-weather states who defend them because of the awesome summers that make up for the miserable winters.
25:42 – Seth tells Angelina Jolie to chill the fuck out.
36:51 – Seth and Jah hammer Taco Bell for its new “Drive-Thru Diet” and for inventing the word “Frescolution.”
54:55 – Jah proceeds to reem airlines, because they can’t do anything right during his holiday travels. They charged him $15 for a cheese and cracker plate and didn’t have any of the items available by the time they got to the 10th row. There was a crazy ginged flat-topped bull dyke with an eyebrow ring in front of him, who reclined her chair back all the way against Jah’s knees for the entire flight because it’s broken.