View Episode 184
Originally aired 09.21.09
1:05:19 and 1:05:36
52:06 – UYD: Fisticuffs or Sistafriends
8:08 – Dr. Oz premiered his new show, The Dr. Oz Show, and he got all up inside the vagina and taught everyone a lot about that area of the female body.
12:32 – Seth watched The Secret Lives of Women on the We Network, and the theme was “Women of Erotica.” The porn director talks about how the actors aren’t used to the intricacies of being directed.
28:55 – NatGeo features The World’s Smallest Girl, Jyoti Amge, from Nagpur, India. She’s 15 years old, weighs 12 pounds and is 23 inches tall. She likes to kick it in her apartment and watch TV.
25:00 – Seth takes a moment to eulogize somebody very dear to UYD nation – Gertrude Baines passed away at her home, the West Adams Convalescent Center in Los Angeles, on Sept. 11, 2009 at age 115. UYD has been with her since her 114th birthday (Episode 112, 0:53) and Seth came back during the media frenzy of her 115th birthday (Episode 161, 27:01). Out of deference to UYD’s dear friend, Seth doesn’t give a fuck who the oldest person in the world is any more, because Gertrude truly was a friend. Seth’s new jam is the world’s smallest person.
28:45 – Seth wants to discontinue the Centenarians theme and go with the smallest people in the world. Currently, 15-year-old Jyoti Amge, from Nagpur, India, is in the lead. She weighs 12 pounds and is 23 inches tall. She likes to kick it in her apartment and watch TV. Nobody stateside is even in contention. Another tiny guy, Romeo Dev, is 20 pounds and 2’9” from India. He’s a little bodybuilder. Jah wonders about the little dude who was always dressed up in the Boston Red Sox uniforms (Nelson de la Rosa, a.k.a. Mahow), but Seth informs him that he died in 2006.
30:50 – Jah dips into fragrances for a little while. He has quite a few “smell-wells.” Tim McGraw has a new cologne, “McGraw: Southern Blend,” not to be confused with his first cologne, “McGraw.” This new scent incorporates essences of a man from the South. He’s both masculine, charismatic, strong, sexy, but also tough at the same time. The composition includes notes of grapefruit, bergamot, lavender, whiskey, amber and tobacco – which sounds fresh to Jah.
56:38 – Seth talks about deodorants and what he couldn’t decide to get at the store because Old Spice now has so many crazy scents and varieties of deodorants, body washes, aftershaves, etc.
50:17 – Jah reads from Hallmark’s Mahogany line of greeting cards geared toward African Americans for all occasions. This one has shabby-sheek daisies all around it and in big pink colors says “Sassy – Sassy is how people describe a woman as confident as you.” When you open the card, you read: “They have to fall back on sassy because they can’t think of a word fabulous enough, strong enough for you. I can: Sistafriend. You deserve to be celebrated, with or without a birthday.”
6:54 – Whitney Houston on Oprah Winfrey, responding to Oprah asking her about her drug of choice being weed combined with cocaine: “Rock cocaine.” Seth thinks weed should just be left out of the equation in this instance.
33:50 – Los Angeles has more weed dispensaries in this city than they have Starbucks
9:19 – Seth was older when he first saw people boning, but he guesses that the average day for this today is 4 years old.
19:26 – Seth had to go to Time Warner because his modem crapped out on him. He thought about going in notebook style and just writing down what he needs (Episode 113, 11:24 and Episode 015, 21:26), but he’s already been an asshole in this place before, so he mixes it up. On the fly he pulls this out: “Listen, I’m Christian…” and goes with it, and gives a lot of “Bless You”s and Drew Barrymore faux-Dali Lama bowing, and before he knows it, he has a new modem, new cord, new power strip, a special card for the guy who’s coming the next morning from 9-12 and makes the woman tear up. Originally he wanted to firebomb the place because he’s been dealing with incessant internet issues. He thinks he might go with this ploy again, and Jah wonders what Seth’s mom will think about it.
21:54 – Seth has lived in LA for 14 years, he’s had 3 different automobiles and lived in 3 different places, and none of the 6 have had air conditioning.
26:17 – Seth remembers Larry Gelbart, who created MASH. Seth met him because he cast the Corsairs pilot when Seth played Jonathan’s father as a young man. Seth wonders if he is the only person to have met both Larry and Gertrude Baines, who passed away on the same day.
27:02 – Jonathan gets a little deep in talking about meeting the oldest person in the world, Gertrude Baines, who recently passed away. At this stage in Jah’s life he hopes to have a long, crazy life. He woke up the morning after Gertrude’s death, and the first thing he saw was the 114th birthday cake picture that hangs on the corkboard in his room.
39:27 – Seth saw Fritz Coleman doing stand-up at Paramount when he worked there doing catering 10 years ago.
45:05 – Jah ate dinner at the Souplantation located at San Vicente and Montana last night, the second time he’s been there in his entire life. The first time was three weeks ago. He said it gets gangster in there around 7:00 at night. Dimitri has been fasting every day for Ramadan (no water, no food until sundown). Jah made him go there after not having eaten there all day, and Dimitri got so rocked out and sick. They went over to Amir’s house to rehearse, and Dimitri puked. Jah said it gets gangster in there; everyone is either 1,000 years old or has children, and kids give the finger to their parents.
46:44 – Seth saw Brad Garrett in a Souplantation at the Beverly Connection 10 years ago. Jah has seen weird faux celebs at weird faux dates there before as well.
59:59 – Jah has some crazy secret abilities. He can tell you the voice actor of any voiceover commercial. He and Seth were watching TV the other day and Jah goes “That’s the father of That 70s Show.” Seth couldn’t believe he identified Kirtwood Smith’s voice. Jah says he’s truly his father’s son in that respect because John Larroquette is the champ at that game.
2:47 – The Boston Phoenix has coined a new phrase called “retrosexuals” (Episode 087, 38:55), which is people going on to Facebook to find old boyfriends and girlfriends from high school and college to hook up again. It’s a mixture of both intense nostalgia and interest.
9:36 – 34-year-old Matthew Eaton and his 26-year-old wife, Laura, went on Dr. Phil last year, to talk about how they made a living of more than $100,000 a year by shoplifting and selling their stuff on the internet. A federal grand jury has recently indicted them after a prosecutor saw the episode and sent sheriffs to their home and found over 500 boxes of stolen merchandise.
16:20 – Deep in the Arizona desert, several dozen Buddhists are preparing to undergo a mind-altering, spiritual journey – 3 years, 3 months and 3 days of total and complete silence, with no word from the outside world. All the participants will cook for themselves in cabins equipped with kitchens and bathrooms. Each participant will need around $75,000 to build the cabin and pay for 3 years of food and supplies – lentils, rice, beans, potatoes, vegetables, solar panels and propane tanks. There will be a newlywed couple that will communicate only through gestures and facial expressions. They will not be able to have sex because it will drain their Prana.
22:23 – The citizens of Philadelphia have to return all their library books as soon as they can, no later than Thursday, Oct. 1. On Friday, Oct. 2, all public libraries in the city will be closed.
33:35 – Abercrombie & Fitch has sued Beyoncé, saying that her plan to sell a fragrance named after her alter-ego, Sasha Fierce, violates the teen clothing retailer’s trademark on their line of men’s fragrance called “Fierce.” A&F, since 2003, has held the trademark on the word “Fierce.” Jonathan has smelled the shit before (Episode 114, 48:35) and it’s not fierce at all.
39:17 – L.A. weatherman Fritz Coleman is a local celeb, stand-up comic and the mayor of Toluca Lake. Jah explains the phrase “Fritz said it would be like this,” (Episode 057, 43:57) which is what people said to each other when it started raining. A community college geography instructor, Melanie Renfrew, flooded Coleman with e-mails and rambling letters explaining her romantic interest in him, saying “God was talking to her.” She’s pleaded guilty to violating a restraining order that prohibited her from communicating with him. It gets thrown out if she leaves him alone for a year, but she won’t stop. Renfrew said in an e-mail to the Los Angeles Times: “Fritz Coleman’s charges against me are libel and slander. I could sue for millions and I’d win.” She said in a telephone interview that she started writing to Coleman because she thought his characterization of on-shore and off-shore air patterns during weather reports were wrong and she wanted to alert him to that: “I was called a criminal for being normal.” According to a court file, she invited him to an intimate Thanksgiving dinner, and that following Christmas told him, “You can come and camp in my backyard.”
42:46 – Skygazers all over the world were witnesses to a mysterious glowing nighttime show this week. It turns out it was Space Shuttle Discovery throwing out 10 days of astronaut urine and feces into the galaxy after undocking from the international space station. 150 pounds of the waste and water froze before solar heat melted it and it turned into vapor.
44:47 – Almost half of all college cafeterias in the U.S. have reduced food waste and cut water usage by eliminating cafeteria trays.
55:05 – The new BodyWorlds exhibit opened in Zurich this week. It’s called “Cycles of Life” and it has plastinated bodies in different poses and scenes. This time the bodies are all boning.
1:01:05 – The mayor of Clarksville, Tenn., Johnny Piper, has come under fire for forwarding an e-mail to all city employees telling them that they need to oppose postage stamps honoring 2 Islamic holidays ordered by Muslim president Barack Obama. The stamps have been around for 8 years. After Piper receives criticism, he says he has a lot of Muslim friends.
1:08 – Jah does his aggro announcing voice that talks about “raw, nocturnal comocedy.”
1:55 – Jah plugs their September sponsor, AdamandEve.com, and the promo code “UYD” that gives you half off and 3 free DVDs when you place their order. Jah and Seth think the ad banner on their homepage is a little more tasteful now.
5:00 – Yo mane, hol’ up, I got too much lean in my cup (Episode 025, 36:18)
31:16 – Jah don’t know much (Episode 067, 21:32; Episode 073, 36:02; Episode 129, 59:15; Episode 137, 4:04 and 1:06:18; and Episode 138, 34:36).
52:12 – Seth plugs UYD’s live show on Oct. 17 at Public Assembly in Brooklyn, N.Y.
55:28 – Seth plugs the “Media” link from the UYD website, which now features a second volume of video compilations recorded by Seth and edited by 55inch.
1:03:11 – Seth says “I’m comin’ for you, Corolla!,” indicating that Uhh Yeah Dude is going to overtake Adam Corolla as #1 Comedy Podcast on iTunes. Seth says that Romatelli is a way better Italian name than Corolla, which is faux Italian.
1:04:55 – Seth wonders when Jah is going to get his UYD tattoo, and Jah isn’t sure about it.
36:34 – The most overused words and phrases, according to research conducted by finance staffing firm Accountemps, who surveyed over 150 senior executives from the nation’s largest companies, and they cited these 10 problem words and phrases: 10) leverage, 9) reach out, 8) it is what it is, 7) viral, 6) game changer, 5) disconnect, 4) value-add, 3) circle back, 2) interface and 1) cutting edge. Seth mocks each one of these in a jackass voice.
11:40 – Ruth T. of Columbus, Ohio writes into Walter Scott’s Personality Parade in PARADE magazine: “Tyra Banks often dances on her show. Does she know what she’s doing?”
9:48 – Jah doesn’t like Rachael Ray; he says it’s like Marie Osmond ate Donny.
23:01 – Jah and Seth again rip on Philadelphia (Episode 088, 35:03), this time for not having any libraries.
47:08 – Jah blasts Jennifer Aniston, telling her to stop being such a fucking Hollywood slut and hanging out with low-rent jackass faux moviestars. He doesn’t want her to cheapen herself and put shitty dicks in her mouth like she’s doing right now.