View Episode 152
Originally aired 02.02.09
1:01:13
11:44 – Seth watched a couple episodes of House while he was lying on his mother’s couch at home in Boston over Christmas, up all night watching episodes. In one episode, he solved the craziest medical riddle ever, and Seth was like “wow that’s amazing.” On another episode, House trips on acid, and then does another even crazier riddle, and in the end he’s right again. Seth thought to himself, “Does this happen every episode?” If Seth worked with House, he’d be like, “Just ask House, he’ll figure it out,” and then go to the movies.
57:00 – Seth dips back into the John Quiñones-hosted segment from Primetime, “What Would You Do?” In this week’s episode, they sent in blind people into a bakery and the guy working behind the counter would be like “Yeah, what’s up Helen Keller? Step right up.” He would then hand them incorrect change with their paper money. They also did people dropping stuff at Open Houses and then interviewing the people who would just swipe stuff
15:52 – The restaurant business is feeling the economic downturn, but a hot new concept in the restaurant business is flourishing: breastaurants. Guys in Texas realized that Hooters was doing wonderful despite everything else, and they started a place called Twin Peaks, where the slogan is “twice as much fun as other restaurants.” They have a hunting lodge motif, where there are mounted trophies, game on the wall, serving wings, burgers, fries and such, and the waitresses are wearing black-and-red knotted shirts with short khaki shorts. There’s also a place called Bone Daddy’s, that has young ladies in short shorts serving the food. These places are taking over places that have closed, like Applebee’s and Bennigan’s. Jah: “You know what we need to open? A brosteraunt.”
49:32 – Nancy Cartwright, the voice of Bart Simpson, did a robocalling for a scientology event in perfect Bart voice: “What’s happening man? This is Bart Simpson. Just kidding. It’s Nancy Cartwright. Don’t hang up. I’m now auditing on new OTVII and I’m speaking at the Flag World event at Hollywood and Highland. It’s gonna be a blast man, and you can share my wins as an auditor. All this at Flag, the mecca of technical perfection. I hope you can make it man. See you later.” It then closes with a classic Bart Simpson cackle.
56:36 – Nancy Cartwright gave $11 million to the Church of Scientology last year
Games That Jonathan and Seth Play
52:52 – Assuming Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie break up, Seth wants to know who Pitt would have to date that would be as crazy as when he heard that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were dating. Jah: “Raven Simone.” Seth thinks it would be America Ferrara or Kristen Bell.
58:15 – Seth says he’s resorting to watching What Would You Do? since Dateline isn’t on any more. Seth wonders if you put John Quiñones and Chris Hansen into a room, who would come out alive? Jah can’t answer this because he doesn’t know who Quiñones is.
0:32 – Jah: “….and this is Seeeeeeth!”
4:35 - Jonathan says his friend Dimitri knows Vince from the Shamwow! infomercials and was telling Jah about this while they saw the Shamwow! infomercial on TV “at the place where we were.” Seth suspects that this “place” was Plan B.
5:00 – A Hispanic woman was talking to Seth about a movie and was like “Oh you know who’s in that, the guy from West Wing. Seth: “Who, Martin Sheen.” Woman: “Yeah, he comes out in that. And J-Lo comes out in that.” Jah is trying to figure out the accent Seth is attempting here, and Seth explains it’s his Hispanic woman from LA voice. Seth told the lady he came here to be an actor and it didn’t really work out, and she responded with “What did you come out in.” Seth didn’t get it, but the way he responds to ‘Where do you stay at?’ and ‘What did you come out in?’ is “I stay in Hobart and I come out in Crossroads. Jah wishes he could just flip a switch and start using those expressions.
14:03 – Seth watched a lot of TV with his mom while he was home. They watched Failure To Launch in its entirety on the USA Network from 8 to 10 with commercials, drinking tea and eating ginger cookies. Jah watched an episode of Ugly Betty today, which he had never seen, and can’t make out what was going on in the show. The show sort of reminded him of Sesame Street somehow. Jah felt like it was preposterous because it was full-grown adults acting it out. Then, for three scenes it looked identical to Arrested Development
34:38 – All Seth gets at Whole Foods is peanuts (Code #6363) because they’re wicked cheap, but then he looks up at the other nuts and sees Organic Almonds - $18.99/lb. Jonathan bought dinner at Whole Foods a couple nights ago. He got a pizza, three side salads from the deli and a bottle of wine. His final price tag - $86. Seth went there to buy brown rice, which he figured would be 30 cents, but it cost him $5.80. He had three $20s and a $5 and he handed the guy a $5, then the guy said “$5.80,” and Seth threw the $20 at him like “you motherfucker…” Jah says its worth it though because you get to see celebrities.
43:00 – Seth pulls out his CB jacket (a ski jacket that was so dope and fresh) that he got in eighth grade, which his mother found at his home in Haverhill, Massachusetts. He also pulls out the product information form that he filled out when he was 12 years old: How did you hear about our product? Because it’s the best, and everybody wears CB. Criticism: I think CB’s the best. It’s warm. It looks great. Even though he bought this jacket in 1986, he observes that the retail price is $125. Seth can’t believe that, and thinks that would be worth about $700 in today’s money. Seth remembers when he got off the bus the first day he wore it, and just posted up with his Nike Air Maxes. When Seth was home, they were showing him pictures of his cousin’s baby, who looks just like his cousin did when he was young. The last picture in the book was Seth and his cousin at their grandmother’s house, wearing Z Cavaricci jeans, posing in front of the Christmas tree. Seth asked his cousin’s wife “Can you handle this?” Jah wonders if Seth ever stashed anything of worth away, because he has a couple things that he stashed away a long time ago. Seth wishes he would’ve hung onto his Varnae strap, his Spuds McKenzie cozy, his cast from when he broke his wrist at age 3, etc.
59:00 – Jah was thinking this week about their conversation from last week, regarding what it is that women want. Jah and Seth had an even longer discussion that got even crazier and left them triple baffled as far as what is going on with the sexual politics of men. Jah was having a conversation with two women today, and wonders, Is it women’s uncontrollable, intrinsic, built-in need to attempt to completely crush and extinguish the spirit of a man? He thinks that maybe they cannot simultaneously have strong feelings for men without wanting to smother their soul.
1:00 – Seven Jack In The Box locations in Charlotte, N.C., have tried to outsource their drive-thru order taking. A woman going through the drive-thru asked the voice, “Why do you have such a strong accent?” and the reply was “I’m in Texas.”
6:33 – New studies published in a medical journal claim that fake acupuncture needles, or acupuncture needles incorrectly inserted in places where they’re not supposed to be, work as well as proper acupuncture needles in releasing endorphins to heal the body. Seth: “I’m gonna put it in your butt and your eye, but trust me, you’re gonna release some amber, because that’s the color of your energy.”
7:43 – A 14-year-old aspiring police officer put on a uniform, walked into a Chicago police station, managed to get an assignment patrolling in a squad car for over 5 hours before he was detected. He’s a 5-foot-3 boy who’s very muscular, and he stuffed magazines under his shirt to look like a bullet-proof vest. He also knew police lingo from his obsession with police dramas. This is the third time he’s impersonated a police officer. An official claims he was discovered by missing a particular star that is part of his uniform. He did not drive a car, nor did he carry a gun or issue any tickets.
10:09 – A brand-new Harris poll lists America’s top 10 TV personalities: 10) Mark Harmon, 9) Steven Colbert (Seth: “Meshach Taylor.” – Episode 048/10:48), 8) Steve Carell, 7) Charlie Sheen, 6) John Stewart, 5) David Letterman, 4) Oprah Winfrey, 3) Ellen Degeneres, 2) House (this pisses Jah off because it’s a character, not a personality), 1) Jay Leno
25:56 – The Lingerie Bowl has been canceled, which pisses off Jah and Seth
27:30 – PETA’s ad that they were trying to get into the Super Bowl was banned. The ad had some scantily-clad women getting frisky with vegetables, saying vegetarians have better sex, while licking pumpkins, etc. Jah: “What the fuck.”
28:54 – Hackers got into the Texas Department of Transportation computer system and altered a portable roadside traffic sign in Austin to read: ZOMBIES AHEAD. RUN FOR COLD CLIMATES. THE END IS NEAR.
29:38 – A new trend for married females – mousewives. They stay at home, surf the web, and earn money by selling and reviewing items. Jah thinks the mousewife should really become a camwife and make some real money
32:41 – In these tough economic times, even the Girl Scouts are feeling the crunch. Due to the rising baking costs and rising costs of ingredients, boxes of Do-Si-Dos, Thin Mints and Tagalongs will feature fewer cookies per box. Jah likes the peanut butter ones but Seth tells him he can’t have them because now he might get salmonella. Jah tells everyone to just go to Whole Foods and then they won’t have to worry about contracting anything.
36:24 – Michael Yoe, on The Daily 10, interviewing Chris Evans: “I just did a charity event with Jessica Biel. I know you dated her. How was it dating her?” Evans looked off camera to his publicist and looked back and was like “She’s great, she’s got a great heart,” then looked back off camera like What the fuck is he asking me?
46:13 – The United States Postal Service has asked Congress about the possibility of eliminating one day of mail service – either Tuesdays or Saturdays. They lost $3 billion last year and will possibly lose $6 billion this year. Seth says that if they cut a day of his mail, he would lose his mind, because mail is something he looks forward to every day. He got a postcard today from a UYD listener.
47:23 – This week on Kanye West's video blog: “I know I’ve been called the Louis Vuitton Don. I’ve changed my name to Martin Louis The King Jr. Address me as such.”
1:00:46 – Warehouses that are run by Gap, Zapos and Staples, are using autonomous robots to find, gather and deliver products from their shelves. The companies have enormous warehouses filled with their product. The robots are sent into the giant rooms, where they locate the shelving unit that contains the product, slide beneath them to pick them up, then find their own way back to human operators. They need to be recharged 5 minutes for every hour and there are over 1,000 machines now in use.
2:35 – Seth gives an update on the CNBC “As Seen On TV” Tournament (Supplements, Ep. 151). In the semifinals, Shamwow! beat Girls Gone Wild, Foreman Grill beat Bowflex, and Shamwow! beat Foreman Grill for the championship. Seth looked up Vince from the Shamwow! Commercial, and it turns out he made a movie in 1999 called The Underground Comedy Movie, in which he sued Anna Nicole Smith for backing out of it and he sued the Farrely brothers because he claims There’s something about Mary stole 20 scenes from him. He’s a former scientologist who’s being sued by them, and he’s an actor who worked at Farmer’s Markets selling stuff. He owns both the Shamwow! and the Slap Chop outright; he went to Germany and asked them to make him stuff.
19:19 – While watching the Miss America pageant on TLC (hosted by Mario Lopez), Seth observes that the women wear very unsexy two-piece swimsuits and flesh-colored heels
25:09 – Jah and Seth talk about the lady who had eight kids at once, and now they’re saying she has 6 other kids in addition to those. This leads into a random discussion about Juno, where Jah has to explain what happens at the end of the movie, and Seth freaks out when Jah tells him that Bateman tried to fuck Juno. Jah: “Spoiler Alert!!!”
39:20 – Jah gets excited talking about watching MMA fighter Fedor on HBO’s most recent 24/7 feature about the fight. Jah is super down with this dude. Jah also says he has never seen another company paste their name everywhere the way that Affliction has done within the MMA world. He said every corner of the ring, every turnstile, every seat, was pasted with Affliction. Even the priest that follows Fedor around is wearing an Affliction tee. Jah thinks the word will be so inundated into the lives of babies born from 2010 on that they will all be allergic to the word “Affliction.”
54:11 – Jah doesn’t get the new celebrity dating phenomenon. He’s at a point now where he’s completely flummoxed, because he doesn’t understand where the people are who are producing this stuff, because he knows there are people who eat it up, but he doesn’t personally know any himself. He wonders what compels a person like Brad Pitt to have such a drastic life change as he did. Seth can’t wait to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button because he loves seeing the previews when they show his little body
21:29 – Seth blasts the Miss America contestants for getting overly excited, and blasts Kate Winslett for acting like she’s never won an award in her life: “Why are you acting so crazy? It’s not like Publisher’s Clearing House is rolling up to your house. There’s only 4 other people who could beat you!” Jah disagrees and thinks they have the right to get that crazy excited
30:55 – Seth rips on the new movie starring Seth Rogen called Observe and Report, in which he plays a mall security guard named Ronnie Barnhardt. Jah thinks the slogan for the movie should be “Different Mall. Different Cop. Same hijinx,” so no one confuses it with Paul Blart: Mall Cop. Seth then rips Paul Blart and people who went to go see it, earning it $67 million in the first few weeks.
37:51 – Jah rips on TV people in the world who have jobs of interviewing other people and are doing a really bad job at it. Basically the only good ones are Charlie Rose, Stephen Colbert, Oprah and sometimes Letterman. Seth: “Carson Daly.” Jah: “A-ma-zing.”
48:12 – Seth and Jah hammer Kanye West. Seth can barely say the words Kanye West without getting mad at himself. If he has to talk about that he tries to just point. He carries a picture of Kanye around with him so in case he comes up in conversation he can just point to the small portrait of him.
1:54 – Jah does his crazy Indian impression of a drive-thru employee