View Episode 119
Originally aired 05.31.08
1:08:18
52:39 – HBO’s Hard Knocks, going behind the scenes of the Dallas Cowboys training camp; June 19 will give us a new season of America’s Best Dance Crew.
10:25 – Jah calls UYD out because there’s three new Mountain Dews out that they haven’t touched or talked about: Supernova (strawberry melon lime with ginseng), Voltage (raspberry citrus with ginseng) and Revolution (wild berry fruit with ginseng)
1:00:43 – Seth and Jonathan acknowledge that there was already shit going around about Florida before UYD started covering it. They never claimed dominion over the Florida-bashing
42:03 – Seth opens up the lid on Casual Encounters: Married with 3 kids. Looking for something real. Different. Seeking other married man with kids in San Fernando Valley. Want to get together on ongoing basis 2, maybe 3 times per month. Want to meet up for beers, ballgames, get comfy before getting to the next phase of the project. Not looking to replace my loving, primary relationship – just do this to keep it in check. Please no games. … Your wife won’t fuck you, I know. Been married 15 years myself. I will own that cock more than she ever could. I know this. Must be discreet. … Been married 2 years. Haven’t tasted a cock in almost 3. Can slip out while wife is asleep. Quietly go to other end of house. Must be silent and must be late. I need a mouthnut. (Jah: “If you could only see the way Seth reads the last line to me directly, like into my eyes. It goes into the depths of my soul. It’s the last line of every single one, it shoots through my body!”) Wife works at CVS. Can meet you in parking lot while I wait to pick her up from work. Blow and go. Let me milk that bitch. … Married cool dude. I used to fuck my college roommate when I was drunk. I need tanned and toned bros. Are you prepared for a thunderclap under the sheets? Let’s lube these cocks. Big balls to the front. I love my wife but desperately need a man’s touch. … Wife’s away, cocks will play. Need a J.O. bud, swordfights a must. Stroke a shaft, cup balls, maybe taste loads. Your throat must be thirsty. Big loads and chill vibe a must. … Wife on business trip. Need my boycunt fucked now. Straight dudes only. Watch gangbang pussy porn at the crib. You force me to undress. But you must be down to earth. Peace! …. Jonathan is amazed that this simply the L.A. Craig’s List, and assumes that chances are they’ve been in the same restaurant as one of these dudes
6:48 - $7,718 will buy you a new Viking Grill – 53 inches of grill space, a rotisserie, a wood chip smoker and an infrared burner that will sear at temperatures of up to 1000 degrees
Games That Jonathan and Seth Play
8:28 – Jah: “What do you think’s cooler, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure or Wayne’s World?” Seth: “Bill & Ted’s.” Jah: “You’re wrong. Which one is cooler to reference today?” Seth: “Bill & Ted’s.” Jah: “That’s also true.”
13:48 – Belmont Stakes – 5 real horses, 5 fake horses and 5 strains of medicinal marijuana: Jonathan is spot on with naming the first option correct for each question, but only gets one of the triple-choice questions completely correct
21:31 – Jonathan continues the “Who Am I?” segment about Amir. Seth thinks the most amazing thing about the cover art on the notebook is that if he was asked to do that this weekend, it would be the exact same cover. This week’s topic is the history of Amir’s name: My last name was originated by Yagma, who was one of the most famous poets in Iran. In meaning it represents “gifted.” Yagma was in the central part of Iran roughly 300 years ago and from a very early age he started writing poetry and was soon employed by the king of the time. My parents chose my name because it is used in many different places and in many different languages. In Persian and in Arabic, it means “king.” In Hebrew it means “top of the tree.” They also chose it because it is easy to say. There is no specific name I would want but I would really like an original name. My name is not like this because I know a lot of people who have either the same name or at least something like this. There are also a lot of ways to say my name, which sometimes bothers me. Jonathan says next week he will feature a “Dear Abby” letter where Amir writes both the question and answer.
Crazy Things Dudes Say While Boning Down
29:34 – Jah dips back into awesome things dudes do while boning down with ladies. Jah says that eventually they’ll keep doing it until a dude hears him say one and realizes it’s him, then UYD can link them up together. A few: One dude could blow himself (Jah admits he stopped trying when he was 14) and would cum in his own mouth, balancing on his butt, bent over with legs up, and having to rock back and forth. Girl said there were a lot of noises, and while he was doing it he would look over at her expecting her to be turned on by it. Another guy would simply repeat “Your vagina feels good” over and over again in a monotone voice for the second half of sex through fruition
24:39 – A dear female friend of Seth tells him a funny yet creepy story. She lives with 3 girls in a house about a half-mile from where the studio is. She comes home one evening and there’s a sealed white envelope lying on the front doorstep of the house. This is the contents of the letter, titled, Coming Clean: To Whom It is Those That This Concerns: I’ll state to you what have I done. I was peeping at you from around the side of your living. I am telling you this because I don’t want my conscience eating at me anymore. Once I was peeping and saw a young lady in the shower. Another occasion I was peeping, I saw a couple preparing to have one another. In the finale occasion their, is the young lady getting out of the shower that leads to her bedroom. I have to admit I was being selfish and other things “I’m sure you might say.” I’m writing this, I can’t say please forgive me because it was a must to do. If at all you feel violated, please don’t pen your hopes against me. I’ve come to do a conscience close on these matters. And I’ll say it won’t lead to any further expectations that it is my self-control that I grasped to cease these doings. I can understand if you might call me a pervert or peeping guy. I’m trying to help myself, so if you could keep your ladies’ awareness at hand, it’ll help me to know you don’t agree with my doings. Sincerely, Ex-pervert
35:18 – Seth gets letters from Jamba Juice while rolling past their locations. The letters are apologizing for them being out of wheatgrass because of “weather-related issues.”
1:03:32 – Jonathan, Denise Richards and the lead singer for Papa Roach, Jacoby Shaddix, are in Starbucks at the same time a week ago. Shaddix drops money, Jah picks it up and Shaddix says “Good lookin’ out.” Later Shaddix whispers, “Is that Denise Richards?” and Jah says “I’m pretty sure it is” as he burns past him
2:33 – Seth’s dad, Joe Romatelli, manages to work his way into a Boston Globe article about UYD friend Matt Robinson’s movie he’s shooting in Seth’s hometown of Haverhill, Mass. The article is about some of the residents of the old folks’ home who got to appear as extras in the movie, “This Side of the Truth.” After one of the residents says she will get an agent after her newfound fame, “… You’ll need a manager and an agent, and that’s why I’m here,” replied Joe Romatelli, a friend of the seniors who stopped by for a visit.”
5:31 – California officially bans talking on the cell phone while driving, which Jah is OK with. But he wonders about texting, because he can text, steer and keep his eyes on the road all at the same time, and is more than willing to document and show people how to do it. He claims it is easy, fun and safe. He was also complimented the other day on the speed of his texting.
13:02 – Average cost of a wedding in the USA tops out at around $30,000
51:17 – “Mim” is when people will overdub videos and everyone does them. Someone overdubbed the Hitler film “Downfall” with the Cowboys-Giants playoff game, which Jah found funny. Other mims include Planning a Trip to Birmingham, Explaining Second Life, Hillary’s Collapse, Being Banned From Xbox Live and Hitler Having His Car Stolen.
0:23 – Jonathan begins the episode by cracking up at Seth about something. He says that Seth was going off before the show about how the country is freaking out about everything over the last month or so
1:59 – Seth gives a head’s up that Episode 122 will not come at its normal week, since Jah will be going to Spain for a Jogger tour
8:47 – Jah wonders if he can bring back the “Schwwwiiing!” expression from Wayne’s World whenever hot girls walk by. Seth says no because he needs to stick with the Smokin! thing because it’s his
21:31 – Jonathan continues the “Who Am I?” segment about Amir. This week’s topic is the history of Amir’s name
47:13 – Jonathan does his Christopher Walken impersonation
54:43 – Because UYD has been getting a lot of e-mails and phone calls about things being directly stolen from UYD, Seth is officially announcing that the Christmas Creep has begun as of the first week of June.
58:10 – Jah receives confirmation that 7-layer burritos at Taco Bell are totally vegan by nine people. Then Jah heard something from a listener about how Taco Bell gets their tomatoes. Seth: “If you eat a banana, you’ve killed somebody.”
59:45 – Jonathan and Seth decide that since gay marriage is legal in California, they should join together in Holy matrimony. Seth: “That’s going to be crazy. I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, but funny.” Jah: “You get to sort of somehow finally in your heart and mind fuse your two favorite comedians, Kevin James and Jonathan Larroquette, into one super person.”
1:02:20 – Seth thinks Jonathan read something already in the show, but he actually read it in pre-pro. Jah is surprised that Seth mistakes the context
1:04:25 – It becomes clear that Seth is getting worked up about skipping a week for Episode 122 (the week of June 23, when Jah will be overseas). Jah: “We don’t like to miss shows – well, Seth doesn’t like to miss shows. I don’t give a fuck. I would miss every other show, probably.” Seth: “I think we owe it to the people that take the time out of their lives to share with us, we owe them a new show every week of our lives. It’s the one constant we’ve all had.” He also notes that they haven’t missed a show since late ’06 (Episode 037 would have originally been posted on Oct. 30, 2006. The only other skipped week was Oct. 2, 2006, which would have originally been Episode 032)
7:45 – Seth and Jah rip on the Adam Sandler Zohan movie posters that have Sandler’s cock and balls and white sandals up in their grill
34:13 – Jonathan and Seth hammer Sharon Stone for her wack quote about the Chinese and the Tibetans, and about how she thinks the Dali Lama is her friend
56:41 – Jah and Seth confirm that people have been spotting other Andy Rooney and Craig’s List segments popping up elsewhere