View Episode 116
Originally aired 05.10.08
1:01:03
4:12 – Valley Verde: Elite private school for elite private people
10:34 – UYD: Loud pipes and clean needles
49:02 – UYD: Moratorium on sex bunkers
50:33 – UYD: No more sex bunkers
50:37 – Florida is looking into banning the sales of single beer cans, which are commonly known as “road sodas.” … Legislative session closed this week in Florida. There were 270 new laws passed. Still legal in Florida: beastiality.
39:46 – Seth goes into “str8” guys looking for other “str8” guys, as well as M4W and Rants & Raves: Would like to kick back on the couch and stroke shit. I’m straight, so U B 2. … Just got home from work, you know what I mean. g/f out of town. No queers. Hit me up and we’ll do this thing … Hey, right now. Girlfriend at grocery store. Looking for a straight JO friend. Hurry! (Seth: “The grocery store? Things could get aborted on the way there!”) … Straight guy looking for a lunchtime JO. Wife’s always home. I could pick you up, we could talk shit, JO on my whip. You know this. … The idea is simple: 2 real dudes sit naked on a bed and face each other, then scoot in sitting butt-to-butt. Ballsacks dangling on each other. Then we trade off lubing and stroking. 2 hard upright cocks creating one humongous dick. Believe me, it’s awesome. With some luck, practice and timing, we can pace ourselves to shoot giant loads at the same time. I call it twin jets. (This is Jah’s boy). Missed Connections: Ralph’s at USC. You were standing next to the clam chowder. I know we locked eyes – did we? Gazes met again at the Clif Bars. I had on the black hoodie and a soul patch. Aisle by aisle I followed you but didn’t know what to say. Are you reading this? … Hey, remember me? Guy with glasses at Coffee Bean. Hit me up! … Sunday night, Barnes & Noble in Sherman Oaks. I asked you something on the way out of the store; you ignored me. Is it too late? … I was staring at you at a red light at Hollywood and Vine about a month ago. You were too busy talking to the guy in your passenger seat. Do you remember me?... Swingers, Saturday night. You – cute girl in jeans and flip-flops. Me – dark hair. I hope the universe connects the dots. Let’s hang out. Seth: “Hey dude, the universe cannot connect the dots, because they’re not dots!!” … Baby Mama, The Grove, 4 p.m. Monday. I wanted to talk to you after the movie but I had to go to the bathroom. Stupid! I shouldn’t have gone to the bathroom. Call me! … Hey hot neighbor. We used to share a wall. You lived with your man. He was a heavy pot smoker. This was about 8 years ago. Are you still with him? I’m sure you’re not reading this. Are you? Rants and Raves: Men are idiots. … When Satan took a shit on Planet Earth he created the white man. … I have a theory on baldness – losing your hair is God’s punishment for being a dick. … Fantastic Sam’s is a joke. … Are Mexican women’s vaginas tighter? … Fuck credit cards. … Screw Obama, Hitler for President. … I can’t get enough of Idol. … Just got my stimulus check – can’t wait for the weekend. … Hey chink, a BMW doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a chink. … You ladies need to douche. … Stay strong Oprah!
20:19 – OUT: Hearing aids. IN: PCAs
Games That Jonathan and Seth Play
0:58 – Seth gives Jah the answer in Jeopardy!-style fashion: $89.75. Jah: “What is the price to fill up my mom’s gas tank last week?”
25:44 – Preakness horse game: One horse is running the Preakness, one is made up by Seth, one is a strain of medicinal marijuana. Jonathan gets 1 of 7 correct
Crazy Things Dudes Say While Boning Down
34:12 – Continuing the segment of shitty things dudes have said to girls while boning down on them: “Come on, shut up and just hop on it!” … “I wish you had a ’70s bush. Don’t shave for a while.”
4:17 – A digression into Jah’s former prep school, Verde Valley School in Sedona, Ariz., brings Seth to question why VVS keeps sending alumni-related literature to Seth’s apartment. Jah thinks this might be b/c VVS assumes UYD is making some bank
7:14 – Seth gives a quote from his father that he said in a phone conversation with Seth: “A stiff dick has no conscience. That’s what the old timers used to say.” Seth says this is not to be confused with his Auntie Carol’s quote, “Love goes where it goes, even if it’s up the dog’s ass.” Jonathan: “What about when somebody’s having a hard time putting a key in a lock, and you say, ‘Well, if it had some hair around it.’”
21:18 – Jonathan went to see Iron Man, and says it’s fine, but everyone needs to shut up about how good it is because it’s a tad overrated. During the Indiana Jones preview, a man who is there alone gives a full standing ovation at the end of the preview. At the beginning of the Zohan trailer, everyone in the theater starts laughing. Not so much laughter during the Love Guru trailer, which Jah is legitimately excited about. Standing ovation at the end of Zohan and at the end of Iron Man
49:40 – Jonathan saw a license plate 2 days ago that said I’M NOT BALLIN. I JUST BUY WHAT I WANT. Jonathan: “I don’t even know what that means. I stood there and looked at this thing for 10 minutes hoping this person would walk out so I could ask them.”
52:00 – Jonathan has fallen asleep driving more times than he’d care to talk about. He fell asleep at a red light during a driving lesson while he was getting his license. It was on Sunset and Dohini. He fell asleep at the Hornburg Jaguar, and the instructor was like “You’re not falling asleep are you?” Jonathan was completely faded at the time.
2:45 – 64 percent of U.S. teens have used informal text message cyberslang in their written schoolwork. 38% of them have used the term LOL, 25% have used emoticons
4:42 – For the second straight year, the children’s book “And Tango Makes Three” was the most-challenged book in U.S. public schools and libraries according to the American Library Association. The book is the story of 2 gay penguins who adopt a baby penguin, based off actual penguins in NYC’s Central Park Zoo – Roy and Silo. Jah: “If you and I were gay, I would be Silo and you would be Roy.” Seth: “I want to be Silo.” Jah: “But I’m taller than you are and my dick is huuuuuge.”
8:08 – Reminder to UYD listeners that this week the price of a stamp rises from 41 to 42 cents.
8:25 – Guy in Massachusetts who lost his license for his fourth DWI was killed this week riding his bike, after being struck by a drunk driver
11:22 – Jah tries to confirm if the rumor is true that Wii is going to release a video game involving pole dancing
14:38 – Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick is under investigation for a sex scandal he had with chief of staff Christine Beattie. Thousands of text messages were recovered, including one choice piece of conversation: KK: THAT’S THE FIRST TIME I COULDN’T FULLY SEDUCE YOU. MY GAME IS OFF. LOL. THANKS FOR THE CONVERSATION. NQT. LOVE YOU. CB: YOUR GAME IS WAY ON BABY. YOU HAD ME AT HELLO (JERRY MAGUIRE, 2000). Seth informs Jah that Jerry Maguire came out in 1996.
16:49 – Cindy Crawford is confused on her percentages while speaking on the environment on Good Morning America, saying 38 billion is half of 50 billion
35:46 – Following up on the $1.26 it takes to make a penny, the U.S. Mint is now saying that it costs $7.78 to make a nickel
0:39 – UYD gets a grip of messages from Atlanta this week
2:07 – Jah asks anyone who might be a UYD listener and work at iTunes to call Jonathan on his cell phone. He has important questions to ask them
8:44 – UYD also got 27 calls from Portland in addition to the 40 from Atlanta. They also got 16 more calls asking how Jonathan and Seth met. Both of them remember the night but are not divulging the details of the occasion yet
9:51 – Seth says Portland is the freshest city in the country, while Baltimore is the new Austin. This leads them to the discussion of what Austin is, and what the cities’ slogans are (Keep Austin Weird, Keep Portland Queer)
10:27 – Jonathan reiterates that clean needles save lives. Seth: “It’s true. And loud pipes save lives.”
10:37 – Seth says that if there’s a breathlyzer at his prom, he’s going to go apeshit
48:42 – After reading from Craig’s List Seth can’t help it: “We are all going to die!”