View Episode 055
Originally aired 03.12.07
25:43 – Seth mocking a predator: “I look at all you gentlemen and I bid you adieu. Have a wonderful evening. Seatbelts.”
1:00:54
43:28 – Shaquille O’Neal will have a 6-episode reality show for ABC this summer, focused on fighting childhood obesity. … Larry King Live, Monday afternoon, guest Bill Maher … Paradise City – new reality show about young people finding life and love in Las Vegas. Andrew Dice Clay wears cutoff leather workout gloves and an Everlast sweatshirt, thinking he will sell out arenas doing his tired old stand-up from 20 years ago. … Jah watched The Pussycat Dolls and said the girls looked pretty grim. Mark McGrath of Sugar Ray comes out and does the judging. … Seth continues to plug The Agency. … In response to Cavemen, the Association of Social Anthropologists have deemed the term “stone age” as offensive. These are the kinds of issues they’ll tackle on this show.
14:29 – Florida man busted in S.C. for driving into parked state trooper on highway – had 43 lbs. of weed in his trunk; dude goes into a store called Knives R Us with his own sword, yelling “I will stick you!” then stole 3 knives and drove off on his red 10-speed – clerk recognized him because he paid with a check the other day, pulled the address off the check and dude was sitting on his front porch; 3 14-year-old boys bone down with fire chief’s wife in hot tub; 78-year-old jogger gets hit by a Mercedes in a hit-and-run, has a sheet over him by the time the police get there b/c he’s “dead,” another guy who says he’s a medical professional declares him dead, cop checks and gets a pulse, and he’s straight alive; etc.
7:25 – BLT candle by the Grateful Palate, company specializing in all things bacon
8:56 – Hästens Bed Company (Sweden) has a flagship bed called the Vividus that costs $49,500
51:44 – IN: Beervangelism and Voluntourism. OUT: Street Wars. IN: Cruel to be Kind and Storescapes
41:18 – Young Buck – “Get Buck” (not spoken until 42:17)
39:45 – Craig Morgan – “Redneck Yacht Club”
18:38 – Flagler Beach recap Part II – Hansen kicks it off: “Who wouldn’t want to visit Flagler Beach?” … slavetomistresses is a guy in dog collar, on the Jordanian basketball team, says he wanted to have the girl beat the fuck out of him. … two dudes are sitting there, one of them who has seen the show has a guilty conscious about it – he had sent a sideways boner picture of himself – when he sees the picture the other dude sent in full dog collar, the look of relief on his face is evident because at least he’s not that bad. … 53-year-old retired truck driver wanted to “love you with all my body, heart and soul.” Took him 4 minutes to get from his car to the house, he’s probably a stroke victim. Decoy asks if he brought the M&M’s, he jostles his pocket and it brings back a feeling to Jahnathan like he hasn’t felt since that summer camp in 1991. Then the dude’s groin area and mouth are clouded out when he starts performing fellatio on his own dentures. … another dude says “gentlemen, have a good night” … 39-year-old Wan Li broke Jah’s heart about halfway through. … another gay dude wanted to lay on his back with a pillow, let the kid sit on his chest with his knees on his forearms and punch him repeatedly. … one freak who was an ex-cop said he would become the girl’s mother’s boyfriend and fuck them both. He also had a full arsenal of weapons in his car, including a loaded snub-nose pistol on his person; etc.
4:34 - Seth's story kicks off a longstanding UYD tradition of asking to see the twins
4:34 – TWINS!! Seth’s story about guy he used to work with at Paramount who would drive around on a golf cart, pull up next to hot women with large breasts and say “Show me the tweeinns!” Dude was covered in tats, in a gang in LA, smoked crystal and lives next to Gedde Watanabe.
24:52 – Jonathan talks about the two times he had sex in a pool – he wound up farting out chlorine water, and it sucked and nobody came
32:54 – Jonathan’s John Popper story. He practiced harmonica a lot when he was a youngster. Blues Traveler came to LA several years ago to play at the Wiltern, and Jah asked his father to flex a little bit of his celebrity muscle, and Mr. Larroquette drummed up some sweet tickets and backstage passes. Knowing this was coming, Jah took out a couple weeks to draw a pencil-and-charcoal 8x10 portrait of John Popper in full harmonica solo in his high school art class. It turns out to be an amazing show. Jah’s dad came with him, at the end of the show they go backstage, a PR person grabs them and it’s on. The door opens and they’re with the entire band. Jah says “I have something for you” and hands him the picture. Popper is in disbelief that Jonathan made it. He says he’s going to hang it in the bathroom of his 1800s farmhouse so he can see it all the time. Popper says “let me give you something” and hands Jah a Honer Special 20 harmonica. Jah starts blowing right in front of him, Mr. Larroquette tries to put a stop to it but Popper says it was really good, then sits with him and gives a 5-10 minute harmonica tutorial
38:07 – Jah met John Popper again 2 years later. Popper wasn’t very nice to him because he was on a press junket. On another meeting, Popper says he still had the picture hanging in his house
5:35 – 30-year-old guy and a 54-year-old guy collided in the middle of a two-way road, both were shitfaced drunk and went to prison for DUIs
11:50 – Bausch & Lomb is still trying to blind people. Now they’re putting too much iron in their Multi Plus solution
12:49 – 41% of people over the age of 18 visiting Myspace are older than 35. Seth: “What are 35-year-olds doing on Myspace?” Jah: “Catching up.”
13:58 – River City Bagel & Bakery in Boise, Idaho, ran an add in the Boise Weekly – had three bagels stacked on top of each other with a stack of coffee, read OUR BAGELS ARE LIKE VAGINAS. WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE?
30:02 – Blues Traveler frontman John Popper is pulled over by a state trooper in Washington state … they found weed and a pipe on him, then searched the car to find numerous secret weapon compartments, in which contained 4 rifles, 9 handguns, an oversized switchblade, a taser gun, night-vision goggles, flashing emergency light sirens and a public address system
50:02 – Northwest Airlines baggage person tries to spoon girl on plane, then creams on her
0:19 – Seth finally gets his wish, to hear lyrics from “I Can’t Drive 55” by Sammy Hagar
6:04 – Seth wonders if people still go dutch on the dating scene
10:19 – We learn that Jonathan needs a big King bed because his dogs sleep on the bed with him
27:37 – Seth mocking a predator that wanted to be beaten up by the kid: “That sounds like the worst afternoon ever! I want you to pin me and give me a feeling of complete claustrophobia where I cannot get up, and then when there’s nothing else I can do I want you to punch me repeatedly and then piss and shit on me. It sounds like a shitty day! He wants that!”
45:49 – Jonathan going off on the Pussycat Dolls