View Andy Rooney
11:00 – An assortment of crazy Andy Rooney (89 years old) quotes from 60 Minutes: I know all about Babe Ruth and Lou Gehrig, but today’s baseball stars are all named Rodriguez to me. … TIME magazine has a feature story about what Americans buy. We buy almost 25,000 bags of Whiskas cat food a day. Well they didn’t sell any of that to me because I don’t have a cat.
50:19 – Seth does some more Andy Rooney impersonating
5:41 – Seth gives us some more Andy Rooney: Of all the inventions of man, I’d be lost without elastic bands and umbrellas. Designers won’t let us alone. No one needs a clever umbrella. Personally I prefer a simple black umbrella. We don’t throw away broken umbrellas for some reason, we use them.
13:47 – Seth reenacts the footage from Andy Rooney going to the Super Bowl: buying chips at a food kiosk (“2.50? What’s that? Two cents for each potato chip?!”); looking at the facility (“It says it’s the entrance, but doesn’t say what it’s the entrance to!!”); coming down the elevator in his hotel (“Ugggh! All cities look alike!!”)
26:29 – Seth impersonates Andy Rooney talking about a great friend he grew up with who “didn’t know how to tie his shoelaces,” and a friend who makes toast
14:53 – Seth dips back in to Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes. They let him loose in Manhattan at a produce stand and he rubs his grubby paws all over the fruit. “Papaya? Is that for breakfast or lunch?” “I don’t want a pack of 6 or 8 bananas! I just want one or two!” “Blueberries? When I was young them called them huckleberries!” “Strawberries?? They’re all from California! If you’re from New York, they should all be from New York or New Jersey!” “I hate these stickers!!” Jonathan: “You’ve mentioned three fruits in this list that I’ve fucked.”
56:41 – Jah and Seth confirm that people have been spotting other Andy Rooney and Craig’s List segments popping up elsewhere
35:56 – Seth dips back into some Andy Rooney soundbytes from 60 Minutes: I make my coffee in the office every morning because downstairs in the CBS cafeteria one cup of coffee costs $1.50. … This morning on my way to work I bought gas. I got 8 gallons of regular, 87 octane, and 8 gallons of premium, 91 octane, and it cost me a total of $36.80. If I bought 16 gallons of 89 octane, it would’ve cost me $38.40, so by mixing the regular with the premium I saved $1.60 and I got 89 octane. My car don’t know the difference. … When I go to a good restaurant here in New York for dinner, I often slip a roll in my pocket as I’m leaving so I can have it for breakfast the next morning. That’s not stealing, is it?
5:03 – Seth gives us more Rooney: You know, I’ve always liked presents. People send me a lot of things and I wish they wouldn’t. Look at this, a few things that have come in recently – someone sent me this sports whistle. Why would anyone send me a sports whistle? This thing goes under the door, keeps the draft out. The American government in action – it’s a game. I never cared much for games. This is a pair of socks. I don’t know who they’re for, but they come up over my knees. I don’t know what these two bags are for – why would anyone send me two bags anyway? This is called Almond Orange Honey, but I never like honey. I said I liked fudge, and then I never got any good fudge anymore, so a lot of people send me good fudge. I said I shine my own shoes and the letter that came with this said this stuff brings leather back to life. I’ll see if it brings my shoes back to life.
31:55 – Andy Rooney is 90 years old and talked to Seth this week: I don’t like to complain, but that’s what I do for a living. I was getting dressed the other morning and I got thinking about how bad shoes are. I wish our smartest people would stop reinventing our computers every 3 days and pay attention to something basic like shoes. You see people walking along the street all the time and you know darned well they’re wearing shoes that don’t fit. No one has two feet that are exactly the same either, but when you buy a pair of shoes they’re both the same. It seems wrong. I must have 20 pairs of shoes I don’t wear, but they cost so much I can’t stand to throw them out. All these shoes are either funny looking or they don’t fit. These are a size 8 ½ and my feet are a size 9 ½! How come I’m not as tall as I used to be but my feet are longer? I never understood why my shoe size is 9 ½ but my sock size is 11. You’d think short shoes would be cheaper than long shoes too. Not as much in them. But they aren’t. People with short feet are subsidizing people with long feet. Seems unfair. We had a summer camp on the lake when I was a kid, and of all the things I miss about not being young, I don’t go barefoot in the summer anymore.
11:21 – Seth describes his new segment as “a new Andy Rooney.”
16:04 – I keep reading about all the problems people have falling asleep and staying asleep at night. An organization called the National Sleep Foundation did a story and it says that the economy is making people sleep less. I mean wouldn’t they just. I feel for all those people who aren’t sleeping, but not sleeping is not my problem. I can sleep night or day, sitting, standing. I often fall asleep right here at my desk. Some of the best sleep I’ve ever had has been in movie theaters or in front of the television set. Last week I took a bus across town in New York City and went six blocks past my stop because I fell asleep.
15:13 – After Jah says “Nobody cracks the 90s and is working like that,” in reference to soap actress Helen Wagner, Seth replies “Andy Rooney. Except I want to hug this woman, not punch her in the face.”
39:57 – Andy Rooney was featured on an episode of NFL Full Contact for losing his credentials.
15:32 – Andy Rooney, 91, is still on 60 Minutes. Seth goes into full Rooney voice and recites a recent diatribe from the old codger: Why is it that most of us have a desire to eat more than we need, whether we’re having peanut butter on toast or leftover rice? We eat more than we need. It seems as though one serious and constant defect in the human character is desire. We have more desire for almost everything than we need. Can’t something be done about this? Those thoughts occurred to me recently when I brought my lunch up here to my desk from the cafeteria downstairs. I ate what I had then I wanted a cookie, so I went back downstairs and bought two cookies. Not because I was hungry but because I desired the good taste of cookies.
6:34 – Seth can’t confirm this as fact, but he thinks Andy Rooney is dead.
41:56 – Jah asks if Andy Rooney is dead.
12:23 – Andy Rooney chimed in on the Bin Laden death: “There have only been a few times in my life when someone’s death has been the occasion for rejoicing.”
23:16 – The 44th season premiere of 60 Minutes featured no Andy Rooney. The news broke this past week that he is retiring from the show, the 92-year-old appeared this past Sunday – his 1,097th appearance since 1978 – for the final time. Seth reads some Rooneyisms in his Rooney voice … “I tend to get lost a lot when I drive anywhere.” … “No one ever gets fired anymore.” … “I bought a new toothbrush the other day. I didn’t realize there were so many different kinds. I’m not sure why. They call them toothbrushes. It’s as though we’re only brushing one tooth. Why not teethbrushes?” … “I think we gotta do something about Christmas catalogs.” … “We’re running out of places to hide things.” … “Nothing irritates me more than when people remember my birthday.” … “What I don’t know is, whatever happened to the moon?” … “I don’t know about where you are, but where I am, there’s too much to read, too much to watch.” … “It’s still 5 weeks away already but you can already see Christmas coming.”